Expressions

Que Sera

2012-02-17T09:14:00.000-08:00

Do you remember the old Doris Day song Que Sera, Que Sera,(whatever will be, will be) lately that song has been playing in my head over and over almost like a broken record, I have been making some changes in my own personal life trying to rediscover who I am and how I want to grow and so I for the last year and a half I have been finding these things out by my own soul searching quest or maybe just taking stock of my life, at 49 I do have some regrets but I believe that things you regret can also be the things that you learn from. . I went back to college it's something that is on my bucket list, it's been interesting I love the fact that it keeps my mind challenged but now I am asking myself the question do I really need or want the degree? at my age what can I do with it? and I have been taking a full 12 units due to financial aid plus working my regular job. My weekends are nothing but home work and I feel as though I have been neglecting my husband, Last night I came to this conclusion I am a wife, mother, sister and friend, and I like that. I do love being back in school but I have a math phobia and I don't feel like I need to know algebra to get a degree I made the decision that I will continue school and earn some certificates in fields I like and if and when I am ready to maybe I will take on the math again , but I am 49 I want to enjoy life . my son is getting ready to graduate college in June and my daughter is getting ready to transfer to a college out of state. looking back I am most proud that I raised two wonderful adults who will make a great path for them to follow. I am ok with my decision about college for myself I mean who says you can't change your bucket list! and I have many other wonderful things I want to see and do. so like the song says whatever will be will be.

Today's thought

2012-01-21T14:19:00.000-08:00

The thought running through me today is

" Meditation is not an escape from life, but preparation for really being in life"

The Three B's and a K

2012-01-20T19:34:00.000-08:00

Meet 3 of our family members the first one is a rare Australian rose breasted talking cockatoo

her name is Bette of course cause females are called Bette in Australia! then middle photo is of our little doge Buddy! he just turned two he is a little love always protecting and loves to lay right beside you now matter what you are doing. the black and while one on the couch is Bella. she is a Jack Russell she too is a love always kissing she is a little glutton though she hears anyone in the kitchen and she comes running!

the K I don't have a photo of is Kodie she is our daughter's dog she is also a love she is like a little human she lays on the bed or couch and lays her head on a pillow like a person! although they all drive us a little crazy at time we would not have it any other way. it will be lonely when my daughter and her dog Kodie move to Az this summer. but we will still have our hands full with the other three..

quotes for yesterday and today

2012-01-20T19:26:00.000-08:00

playing a little catch up so posting a quote for yesterday and today

yesterday's- "to set up what you like against what you dislike, this is the disease of the mind."

today's- " If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow" (Chinese Proverb)

live

2012-01-15T18:59:00.000-08:00

Live as if you were to die tomorrow
Learn as if you were to live forever

Gandhi

First quote post of the new year

2012-01-15T18:58:00.000-08:00

"The soul establishes itself but how far can it swim out through the eyes and still return safely to its nest"

Re-new, Re-cleanse, Re-birth

2012-01-02T08:03:00.000-08:00

Here it is the New Year, I have to admit I am glad to see 2011 gone, it had it's good and bad but I am ready for new and exciting things and challenges to come in this new year, to start I did not make any resolutions I have decided that I am just going to take this new year one step and day at a time and change the things I want to change or do the things I want to do in my own time and fashion.

I continue my journey of self discovery and wellness, and will embrace all that comes to me. This is a new year so as I reflect it is a time of renewal , cleansing and rebirth.

may the new year bring you all great blessings

2011-12-10T15:38:00.000-08:00

"The wholeness and freedom we seek is our true nature, who we really are. Whenever we start a spiritual practice, read a spiritual book, or contemplate what it means to live well, we have begun the inevitable process of opening to this truth, the truth of life itself"

Jack Kornfield

what a person can accomplish

2011-12-10T15:31:00.001-08:00

Today I did my first 5k ever! it's only 3.1 miles. I am just happy that I finished it! it gave me such a joy although as I am writing this I have to admit I feel tired! i'm still training to possible run/walk a 1/2 marathon in March. I have been trying to do things out of my comfort zone and things I had listed on my "bucket list" so far I have been doing ok one step at a time!

It has been quite a while since I have posted on my blog been busy with a lot of things but I hope to get back to the one place where I can truly express my expressions!

stay tuned!

2011-10-08T20:53:00.000-07:00

Peace it does not men to be in a place where there is no noise,trouble or hard work it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart ( unkown)

2011-10-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

"The only zen you find on tops of mountains is the zen you bring there"

Robert M. Pirsig

Here

2011-09-25T17:01:00.000-07:00

"I have arrived , I am home, in the here in the now I am solid, I am free in the ultimate I dwell " Tich Nhat Hanh

when is enough really enough

2011-09-25T17:00:00.000-07:00

line from the song enough - enough is enough. that is what I keep telling someone I care very deeply about , I may not be the worlds greatest advice giver but I think that when I do listen and give my opinion ( not advice) it comes from deep within my heart and experience I call it my opinion because that is what it is in the last eight months while on my own spiritual path I have come to realize that it is better to say I share my opinion because that way it gives whomever you are expressing your opinion to that you are not advising them your merely enlightening them how you see it but what they ultitmately do is on them.

This person I love keeps kind of going round and round in a relationship its hard at times for me to sit on the side lines but it is what I need to do. This young couple goes through to many verbal confrontations so much so that you can see the pain in the eyes of the one I care about, I think she is scared to just let the relationship dissolve after all they are not married they are way to young and not no- where near being ready for that. one depends way to much on the other, one is stronger than she gives herself credit for

A terrible incident happend last week that has given me pause to really hope this person takes the time they should and decide if they want to continue down this path. For the one I love and care about I certainly hope not but again it's my opinion. I can't get into specifics about the incident but to me it was callously intentionally cruel and then the person I care about was threatened and blamed by people and yet the one I care about is continuing to be supportive all in the name of love!. I admire this person for loving and showing support the way that they do, however one person can not take the weight on their shoulders all the time. everyone must be held accountable for their actions. I understand that this is the relationship they are in but I also understand that if you truly love someone sometimes as painful and as hard as it is you have to love the other person enough and let them go. I wish the other person involved would see and understand that and let the person I care about fly. but then again who am I to judge this person that I care about says their in love and believes that with time and therapy and a change of venue it could all work out, perhaps it could happen but then again there is always the chance that it won't.

I have a great concern about this but all I can do is pray and be there when the one I care about needs me to be.it's been a hard situation and a hard week, I hope for peace for these people in this relationship I hope that God will guide them through all of this and if this person leaves then they leave freely knowing that they did the best they could and that you can't solve everyone's problems especially when you have some of your own to deal with. I pray that soon they will realize that enough is enough.

The Cloud

2011-08-19T04:47:00.000-07:00

The Cloud is is free only to go with the wind the rain is free only in falling ( Wendell Berry)

Quote of the Dalai Lama

2011-08-13T20:20:00.000-07:00

" When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways-- either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits or by using the challenge to find our inner strength"

Waking Up

2011-08-11T21:11:00.000-07:00

" waking up this morning I smile, twenty-four brand new hours are before me, I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion" ( Thich Nhat Hanh)

Real Enemies

2011-07-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

" The real enemies of our life are the "ought's" and the "if's" They pull us backward into the unalterable past and forward into the unpredictable future"

Henri J.M. Nouwen

A Bette, Buddy, Bella

2011-07-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

Below are some other members of our family the bird is Bette she is a rare Australian Rose breasted cockatoo and since females are called Bette's in Australia we thought it a prefect name for her she is a very smart bird, she greets us every morning with a "hi there" she talks up a storm with those she feels comfortable around she gives kisses as well when she feels like it. Bette is a year old and these brids can live up to 65 years. sometimes she scares me and my daughter but all in all she is sweet,

The little guy in the middle is Buddy(I know he has the face that reminds us of a gremlin maybe we should have named him Gizmo! Buddy is a very active dog he loves being the center of attention he is very affectionate and is a light sleeper he is a good protector and he loves cuddling by anyone of us. Buddy is just a little over a year old my husband took care of his strayed parents while buddy's mother was pregnant and then when Buddy and his brother were born my husband was able to find homes for the parents and his sibling Jeff and the kids fell in love over buddy so he ended up with us. the lady below is Bella she came to us about 3 months after buddy did she was abandoned a friend of my husbands found her in his barn and could not keep her she Bella fell in love with my husband so he brought her home.. she is his little shadow when he takes a nap or is ready for bed she is right there by his side! she is a very affectionate dog as well! she is also our little piggy in the house if she hears anyone in the kitchen she is there hoping your going to share something with her!

we do have another addition in our family she is Kodie she is my daughter's dog I don't have a photo of her yet but will do another post all about her!

Live in the present

2011-07-24T07:58:00.000-07:00

"Live in the present and launch yourself on every wave find eternity in each moment"

Few

2011-07-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

" Few of us ever live in the present we are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone" Louis L'Amour

The above quote has been resonating me with the past few days, it is no secret that for the past three years my life has been on an emotional stressful roller coaster ride that I hope is in the start of coming to end. this past January I came to the realization that the stress of the situations of the past few years have made me lose sight of me! I can not control what life throws at me but I am learning that I have the control to handle MY actions/reactions of it and I am learning not to let the stress get to me because stress leads to all sorts of mental and physical aliments that I have no intention of letting myself fall victim to stress. I am learning to take a deep breath and take it one step at a time. I am learning that baby steps will lead to bigger steps and before I know it, it becomes a routine and I am so glad that I am finding my routine which is a daily meditation and yoga/ pilates and walking or jogging. . I cannot anticipate what is to come in the future because like the old Heinz ketchup commercial anticipation is keeping me waiting! but I know with this new insight I know I can and will be able to tolerate the ride ( i am not a fan of roller coasters to begin with !) , at least this way it seems to make the roller coaster ride doesn't seem to make me so nauseated !

peace

2011-07-14T11:35:00.000-07:00

" Peace does not dwell in outward things but within the soul, we may preserve it in the midst of the bitterest pain if our will remains firm and submissive Peace in this life springs from acquiescence, not in an exemption from suffering " (Francis Fenelon)

Random Quotes

2011-07-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

here are a few random quotes that have been resonating with me thought I would share

"Heaven and heart remain peacefully unmoved,yet their life breath is unceasing and is seldom known to rest"- Hung Ying Ming

" Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky,conscious breathing is my anchor"-Thich Nhat Hanh

" Peace does not dwell in outward things but within the soul we may preserve it in the midst of the bitterest pain if our will remains firm and submissive. Peace in this life springs from acquiescence not in an exemption from suffering"- Francis Fenelon

"It is for us to make the effort the result is always in God's hands" Gandhi

"The mature person pays attention to what is happening in the innermost self" - Tzi Ssu

"We cannot put off living until we are ready. the most salient characteristic of life is it's urgency here and now without any possible postponement life is fired at us point-blank" - Jose Ortega y Gasset

Enlightment

2011-07-07T09:21:00.000-07:00

"Enlightenment is understanding that there is nowhere to go, nothing to do, and nobody you have to be except exactly who you're being right now" (Neale Donald Walsch)

soaking up the sun

2011-07-02T10:31:00.000-07:00

Ok so it has been a while since I really sat in my back yard and this weekend I am going to just
be lazy read a good book, look through all types of magazines, have my hubby do the cooking all weekend( ok BBQ) I will take care of the kitchen stuff and we are just going to soak up the sun ( of course I will have lathered up in the sunblock) but it just seems a great way to start my time off. and since funds are a bit limited to take a travel vacation just going to make a worth while vacation at home!

have a good weekend

We Too

2011-07-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

"We too should make ourselves empty that the great soul of the universe may fill us with its breath" Lawrence Binyon

Choose

2011-06-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

"We choose our joys and our sorrows long before we experience them" Kahlil Gibran

The Secret

2011-06-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, nor to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly " Buddha

To Know

2011-06-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

great quote by Confucius:

" To know what you know and to know what you don't know that is real wisdom"

I have made the decision to return to college at my age of 48 I begin just one class in a few weeks, I have to admit I am a bit scared, nervous so fillled with many emotions I know this is something I feel I need and want I just hope I can keep up with it, It is a whole new world for me, I wonder if what I know from life experiences will help get through this. I have college age kids and well part of me has begun to wonder but I have my college kids blessings and support to do this along with my husbands so I will see where this path leads me. I have been on a self discovery path since January and I have been learing a great deal about myself also in January I had some surgery that has given me great insight and well my paths are still a slow work in progress but like the old saying one step, at a time and that is what I am doing breathing, and decision making one step at a time. I have two more weeks of work before I have a month off for summer break so many things happening I have to remember to let stuff I have no control over just go and remind myself to breathe slowly everything will fall into place and if it doesnt then it will in another way. I think the above quote by Confucius is so true what you don't know is real wisdom.

when life throws you lemons

2011-06-11T09:19:00.000-07:00

The old saying when life throws you lemons make lemonade! that is the lesson my 21 year old son has learned in the past week bless his heart. he is entering is last year at UC Santa Cruz and had arranged to live in a co-op community for college students however to his dismay he learned the co-op is going to shut down during the summer and so he will have to find outside housing due to it being late to apply for dorms . he wants to experience living off campus and was hoping to do that this summer however since the co-op fell apart also he learned that the job he had at the campus for the summer also fell through he is good to return for the fall. so he will be spending his summer at home and working at his old job but not before we take a little vacation he so needs a break. So he will be coming home tomorrow and I am so excited ! in our phone conversation the other day he has already made note to me of some things he hopes to do with just him and myself I so love that he loves spending quality time with me ! most 21 year olds would more than likely like spending time with their friends etc. but my son and I have always been close I am close with both my children and hope it will remain that way always and to their significant others they may bring into this family. anyway we will be doing the things he has requested I only have a few more weeks left of work then I am off for summer! tomorrow I will have one of his favorite dishes for dinner in honor of his return home for the summer.

Nineteen

2011-06-04T17:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday My daughter( my sunshine sunflower) celebrated her nineteenth birthday. when she was little girl she liked the birthday parties as she got into her teens not so much a party person anymore she likes quaint celebrations with just the four of us ( which normally would mean me, her dad, her brother) and now her boyfriend of course. well her brother could not be here but called and they had a long chat her boyfriend ( my son in law to be one day ) Kevin brought her a dozen white roses and a bouquet of wild flowers, we gave her money as she likes to shop and our traditional out to dinner and cake she chose Chinese food and a Oreo cookie ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins. and she got a zillion and one birthday wishes from friends and family on face book and some by text all in all she had a wonderful day. and to end her day she and I watched a few episodes of Gilmore Girls ( that was one of our favorite mom and daughter shows) so from time to time we kind of have a Gilmore Girls marathon, we also indulge in Taylor Swift music. I am so glad she had a great day reason being she is planning on spreading her wings and flying at the end of Dec and transfer to a college out of state. part of me says she is not ready but the other part of me says I understand I myself had left home and met her father at nineteen but did not get married till I was twenty. I am trying to see all the good and be supportive even though I will miss her terribly but I am hoping that where ever her dad and I land our feet she will live near by same with our son. ( I know it may be a lot to wish for but I am going to keep wishing it) time sure does pass by in a blink of an eye. so I am plan on having mother and daughter days as much as we can before she moves and I told her that I will be celebrating next years birthday with her in her new state because as long as I can help it we will continue tradition and have birthday dinners and cake together.

weekend in review

2011-05-29T21:50:00.000-07:00

My work week ends at 4 pm on Thursdays and begins my weekends I love only working four days a week this weekend was a wonderful one beginning with Thursday after work I attended my eldest great nieces graduation celebration it was held on Thursday evening at a wine bar she frequents from time to time with her friends. it was very interesting and the gathering was fun, it was held on Thursday evening due to the fact that she would be graduating Friday at 7:30 in the morning and she was the key speaker! which now brings us to her graduation it was wonderful she graduated with her Masters in psychology with a emphasis in neurophyschology she will be attending to Palo Alto University to pursue her PhD. I am so proud of her. her speech was marvelous and after the ceremony I got a photo with her. later that morning after the graduation I had brunch with two of my sisters it was a nice day, On Sat my husband and I took a drive out to San Juan Bapitsta and bought produce off of the local vendors who set up shop we purchased two flats of freshly picked strawberries for $10 each! it was a good deal also made out from a different vendor on two types of cherries as well, then found some wonderful produce as well at the farmers market made a wonderful fruit salad and cleaned and hulled the strawberries some I froze as we had an abundance the other I prepared to make home made jam which I did this morning after that my husband and I drove to a little town I grew up in it is about 45 min from where we live and we visited one of my sisters and her husband then we went window shopping again and went out to dinner something we really have not done in quite a while. it was a pleasant three days so far tomorrow I think will be just relaxing around the house and getting ready to return to work on Tuesday which I begin summer hours for the month and then the 30th of June will be my final work day till the end of July I am looking forward to the break to do much needed things I want to do. one of them being taking a bit of a vacation to Seattle my children were to go with us but looks like their plans have changed due to unexpected things! I understand but none the less this may be our last family vacation for quite a while especially if our daughter transfers to a college out of state in Dec.
well I have a idea of what my next weekend will bring my daughter's birthday will be Friday big 19! so we will be celebrating that, not sure of what will happen on Sat but Sunday I will be volunteering at a farmer's pick and gather celebration and there is sure to be a lot of fun it is all organic and there will be vendors and classes and demos etc. I know I plan on picking the blueberries for sure!

There's a new kid in town

2011-05-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

One of my sister's had a profound Easter week in April as my husband Jeff and I spent two nights with her in Los Angeles then due to my husband having some business I drove back with my sister to our house as she was coming to celebrate Easter with the family. I drove with her because it has been quite sometime that she has driven from LA to where we live only because her ex-husband used to do it and since she will be relocating to be near all her family she thought it the perfect time to try the drive and it was a fun! she drove part of the way and I drove the rest it was really good sisterly bonding time! the good news for her was right before we left she got the news that her divorce was final on Monday it was something that she had been waiting for. she was full of emotion I mean how could she not be but at least she can put it to rest and begin her life at the age of 61! the other good news is her youngest son my nephew and his wife who reside in Japan had their second child a daughter on Friday so they are blessed with a boy and a girl. My sister has been in Japan in for a week now to meet her grand-daughter ( then new kid in town ok not in town but the newest addition to our big loving family )

we all can't wait to meet her we have seen pictures thanks to the modern technology but hopefully in December the rest of the family will get to meet her in person! we are just blessed that our family in Japan is doing well and was not impacted at all by the earthquake that happened there. the third good piece of news for my sister that week was her eldest son and his family came down to spend time with her.. I think it was awesome of my nephews they really love their mom and take good care of her since they all have been going through the raw emotions of the divorce. but one thing about my sister stands out she is a survivor and as our mom used to tell us pray for those who act out or those who cause pain because Karma comes around you may never see it happen but it does.

Love is patient

2011-05-27T19:08:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite verses is from 1 Corinthians which is Love is Patient for Jeff and I it has always hit home with us, we have been together for 28 years and we have been through many facets in our marriage together even when things seemed so bleak and that we were close to losing each other we each remembered what the words in that verse mean to each of us not only as husband and wife but as soul-mates and best friends. it has been no secret that the last couple of years we have had some health issues between us his a little more worry some than mine but with patients and love we have and are getting through it so here it is

Love is patient, Love is kind it does not envy , it does not boast it is not proud it is not rude it is not self seeking it is not easily angered it keep no record of wrongs love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protect, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, Love never fails and now these three things remain faith hope an love but the greatest of these is Love.

I believe that these words always ring true.

Remember When

2011-05-20T19:00:00.000-07:00

Remember when I was young so were you
time stood still love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
made love and then you cried
Remember when
Remember when we vowed the vows walked the walk Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
lived and learned, life threw curves.There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died new were born life was changed, disassembled, rearranged We came together, fell apart broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet was the music We danced to week to week Brought back the love, we found trust Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old Now lookin' back, it's just a steppin' stone To where we are, where we've been Said we'd do it all again
Remember when

Remember when we said when we turned gray When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

Remember when
Remember when

While I'm Waiting

2011-05-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

I came across this song quite a few years ago and today I find it relating to me in my life. I have always believed in the Lord and though I have in the past kind of fell through the cracks so to speak ( meaning I always kept my faith I just lost the want of the social aspect of attending church every Sunday ) but I never lost my faith I just kind of have kept it on the down low of my self. especially in the last four years since my family has gone through some heavy tribulations but nothing stopped me from my faith in the Lord that things will get better. actually it is what sustained me to get through what we have been through. in today's life it is not easy things happen and people do want to blame someone else especially GOD and though these things sometimes don't give us the reason why we are going through them they can also be a blessing in disguise I have been on a soulful and healthful reconnection journey of myself since January and everyday I am finding out things I thought were gone and new things I am embracing and one thing that I have truly accepted is that you have to talk to yourself and GOD honestly and openly and being patient at the same time that things will get better while I am waiting.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

2011-05-08T16:30:00.000-07:00

I normally do not post about my family life because I am a private person but I as of late feel the need to express my thoughts as sort of a cathartic healing for myself I have been living with my soul mate who was diagnosed two and a half years ago with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat. PTSD can cause many symptoms. These symptoms can be grouped into three categories:1. Re-experiencing symptoms: Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating ,Bad dreams,Frightening thoughts.Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing.
2. Avoidance symptoms:Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience Feeling emotionally numb Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. (For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car)
3. Hyperarousal symptoms:Being easily startled Feeling tense or “on edge”Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.Hyperarousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic event. They can make the person feel stressed and angry. These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.
It’s natural to have some of these symptoms after a dangerous event. Sometimes people have very serious symptoms that go away after a few weeks. This is called acute stress disorder, or ASD. When the symptoms last more than a few weeks and become an ongoing problem this is PTSD and some people with PTSD do not show symptoms for weeks, months or years.

This is what has happened to my husband while he was injured by a co worker at the time he worked for a well known large company four years ago! my husband went through the proper protocol with in the company and no one from the supervisor up did anything to help him needless to say this developed into a workman's comp issue which is still pending and he has added a wrongful termination of my husband this past Januray while he is still on disability. he worked for this company for 12 years! this whole thing has had us tied up in knots emotionally and has also taken a physical and a big financial toll on us. Things with the case against this company are looking up but the process of it is very slow and has been hard. My husband is a smart man and he even has the CA Federal EEOC filing case against company as well on his behalf.

Getting back to the toll it has taken it is a difficult one this PTSD has changed my husband at times he seems not to be the man I fell in love with and really till this case is settled I feel helpless all I can do is be supportive as best as I can. I have seen what this has done to him first hand by outbursts of anger, etc and how it effects us and how it effects me.I feel so scared for him, I feel scared for us and I also feel anger anger that this all happened to him and us in the first place for no reason!. because of this disorder our finances have taken a big hit and we are now contemplating bankruptcy ( we always had our bills paid on time and never thought we would have to do this ) but with this disorder and being in a depression he let our finances get out of control and I did not see this happening till it was to late I now am taking hold of the situation but maybe for me watching the man I love live in fear made me afraid to face facts at the time too. Face the fact that I was watching him lose who he is and who he has always been to me and our kids. that I could really lose him in the mental and physical sense.. I was and am not ready for . I am not afraid of the bankruptcy those were just material things and material things can always be gotten again. and with this economy we would not be the first or the last people are filing everyday . I look at it as a blessing in disguise so that we can start from scratch something I am not afraid to do.

Three things to teach

2011-05-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

Another one of many favorite quotes by Lao-Tzu

" I have just three things to teach

Simplicity, Patience, Compassion

these things are your greatest treasures"

Most belive

2011-05-01T13:16:00.001-07:00

"Most people believe the mind to be a mirror more or less accurately reflecting the world outside them not realizing on the contrary that the mind is itself the principal element of creation"

Broad Minded

2011-04-27T21:42:00.000-07:00

" Be broad-minded whole, without relying on others"

There and Here

2011-04-25T06:04:00.000-07:00

"When we are not bored with here and longing to be there, When the life of things is breathed in and breathed out with every breath we take. when we live with the past of our world and into the unborn future without desiring to undo what is done, or avoid what must be, then we live in a timeless life now, a place-less life here" (R.H..Blyth)

Bloom

2011-04-24T06:21:00.000-07:00

"People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong.Why not try and see the positive things to just touch those things and make them bloom!" (Thich Nhat Hanh)

With Faith

2011-04-23T07:51:00.000-07:00

I believe I have posted this little poem before but thought it was deserving of posting it again

With Faith
For every disappointment that ever comes your way
there also will be happiness upon another day

Sometimes there will be failure in things you try to do
but with both faith and fortitude success will come to you

When life appears it's darkest and clouds obscure your view
you know that you are bound to find the sun come shining through

The faith that you possess in God is never placed in vain
it will sustain and be your guide life's finer things to gain.

wishing all my blogger family and friends a peaceful and loving (Resurrection day a.k.a.- Easter) <3

The Worst

2011-04-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

"The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think,we do this because we're afraid we fear we will not find love and when we find it we fear we'll lose it we fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy"

It is my belief that we create our own path to happiness we find it in many different ways, for me I find it in the simplest things and for me those lead to the big things. I do agree that the worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves because it somehow strikes a cord in the human spirit that your not deserving of love or anything good that you work for or that comes your way. but we are all deserving of LOVE and all the pleasures that comes with it emotionally and physically and metaphorically that is what makes us human and that is what makes us love.

With

2011-04-10T22:57:00.000-07:00

" with gentleness overcome anger, with generosity overcome meanness, with truth overcome delusion"

Just a little quote that I have found and thought I would post as it hit the spot within me over the weekend.

Chinese Proverb

2011-04-09T16:12:00.000-07:00

" If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow" Chinese Proverb

contemplating

2011-03-26T08:37:00.000-07:00

From the beginning of the new year I have made no secret that I am on a self exploration journey which includes my mind, body, spirit, well being. as I have stated I ended up having some surgery that I have been journaling my expressions about and will continue to do so. I am finding out interesting things about myself and different things I would like to do creatively and new ventures I would like to also check into. Exploration of one self can be truly eye opening and can also make you question things in your life, I am not dwelling on the past for the past is completely that, the past you can not change it all you can do is learn from it and move on with your life, I have learned to take life one day at a time and embrace it embrace all that you feel and think and want to do. that is the joy I have been finding out while I travel on my journey. I admit it has been a little on the side line these past month since I went back to work. but I am going to make sure I write down my thoughts as I am feeling them so that when I gather them together I can express them here. So what I am now contemplating is to make the decision to go back to college but I can't decide if I want to do it traditionally like going back to a classroom or if doing it all on line ( especially cause in the state of Ca where I live they are always cutting education these poor college students I know cause my college kids are effected by it! ). I am in the research stages right now this is something that I want to do for me just to be able to say to MYSELF that I am a college graduate and with any luck and God's grace I will be done with this by the time I am in my mid 50's.!I There are also some other ventures I plan on doing for myself and as I take each step one at a time to get there it makes this journey I am on so much richer.

Life

2011-03-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like (Lao-tzu)

a hole in my heart

2011-03-20T23:24:00.000-07:00

Right now the Eagles song" there's a hole in the world tonight" is racing through my head only i hear the words there's a hole in my heart and that is truly how i am feeling right at this moment a great deal of un-necessary emotion got the best of my household tonight and has made me feel like I have a huge hole in my heart it aches and I can't stop crying. I am not going to go into details but needless to say that being a parent is a very hard job no matter what age your child is and tonight proves that. I am concerned and worried about someone I love and I feel helpless to help them this person means the world to me I know this person has a big heart and lot's of love to give but the actions and words of tonight just make me pray harder and wonder what is to come. I hope this person knows how much they are loved unconditionally by this family and that no one is against them we just give our advice and hope that it helps them in some way. all lessons in life do not have to be learned the hard way.

There is another song I am hearing in my head it is Love is not a fight and the lyrics go
Love is not a place to come and go as we please
it's a house we enter in and commit to never leave
so lock the door behind you, throw away the key
we'll work it out together let it bring us to our knees

love is a shelter in a raging storm
love is peace in a middle of a war
and if we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
no love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

to some love is a word that they can fall into
but when they're falling out keeping that word is hard to do

love is a shelter in a raging storm
love is peace in a middle of a war
and if we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
no love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

love will come to safe us
if we'll only call
he will ask nothing from us
but demand we give our all

love is a shelter in a raging storm
love is peace in the middle of a war
and if we try to leave may God send angles to guard the doo
no love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I will fight for you
would you fight for me
it's worth fighting for

so full of emotions that I am also hearing Fleetwood Mac Landslide that is how I am also feeling I hope as this night fades so will some of what I am feeling but I sincerely doubt it I will pray for patience and God love to get my family through this.

In an Instant

2011-03-18T17:54:00.000-07:00

Is it not interesting what can happen to change your life completely in an instant. Last week my family had a scare with the earthquake in Japan I have a nephew and his family who live there and as soon as we heard about it on the news many family members were on FB( facebook) asking if they were affected by it with the grace of our Lord he and his family live far from where it all took place but they have friends and other relatives who did live in that area, then the Tsunami and the strength it had hitting the Ca coast I was a bit worried about our son who attends college in Santa Cruz but he assured me he would be safe on campus and thankfully so, the damage it caused in Santa Cruz total 5 million so far.

In a split second life changes my nephew just got word that one of his good high school chums just passed from ALS my nephew in the last two years has lost quite a few friends from high school and college and though it is hard to know these young men passed at such a young age my nephew has handled it with strength and dignity. and I am so proud of him, My niece had the loss of her father in law this week who had a stroke take his life at the young age of 67 she to is handling this loss with grace and strength for herself and for her husband and his family. and I am proud of her as well.

Life is so fragile one must really just enjoy it to the fullest I know I am blessed with my immediate family all together and look forward to them yes I want encourage them to fly but I am glad that they like to be near by as well.

sometimes Gods greatest gifts in this life are unanswered prayers and I am truely blessed by what he brings in my life on a daily basis

The Visit

2011-02-25T20:15:00.000-08:00

On Jan 29th marked three weeks since surgery and I started to reintroduce food to myself mind you only a third cup per serving. that seems so small until you measure your food ! my husband Jeff and I decided I needed to get out of the house and go visit our son Kiel who attends UC Santa Cruz since he had been sick they thought he had an pnuemonia he ended up having a severe cold. anyway we had hoped to spend the day with our son however when we got there we only ended up spending about 15 min with him as he found out that morning he had a residential aide interviews to conduct so we planned a rain check date. So Jeff and I drove down to Campbell and I had my first lunch out since I am reintroducing foods we ate at subway and I had scoop of tuna in a bowl cause I can not have breads or bread products yet. they charged me the same price as if I had bought a sandwhich I do not want to over eat so I am being very careful but I fear that I might have and did but I did not get any kind of dumping syndrome so I don't know. we windowed shopped around and later had soup at Fresh Choice it was a challenge for me but I did ok I still believe that I over ate I have to be so careful about overeating. when i got home a bit of an incident occurred but it will work itself out.

The sound of the rain

2011-02-21T10:07:00.000-08:00

"Meditation is not an escape from life but a preparation for really being in life" Tinch Nhat Hanh

Jan 30th I awoke to the sound of rain it sometimes is a beautiful sound when it stopped I took a brisk walk to buy a newspaper and get a bit of exercising in by doing the walk cause right now that is extent of the exercising I can do. later Jeff and I went into town and purchased a convention counter oven i got the food network brand this item is something I have long wanted the only reason we bought it is cause it was on sale for a good price other wise I would have kept waiting. then Jeff took me to lunch at Panda Express I thought I would be ok wth just steamed vegetables my stomach was so not ready for that again had the feeling I over ate. so I was careful the rest of the day. came home and made my mother in laws soup today when I weighed I am down 14lbs still a great deal to go but again the dropping of the lbs is a perk I still have a great deal to do and accomplish. awkwardness with my daughters boyfriend sorry he feels that way but Jeff and I will not tolerate not treating our daughter with respect (even if they argue we call her on it as well if she is treating him bad) no matter what we will support our daughter what kind of parents would we be if we did not get upset at him for what he said to our daughter we are over it but hopefully he understands that we mean what we say. he will she will they will treat each other with respect. It has been weeks since I wrote the main part of this post and I think the kids ( my daughter and her boyfriend) have gained more respect for us. these are life's lessons we are teaching them so that if and when they do end up getting married at least they have a strong type of mentors to follow. I am not saying that my husband and I are perfect certainly we not but we have lived and been married for 28 years so we should know a little of what we talk about.

I so enjoy the sound of the rain as when I listen to it, it reminds me just how it trickles down washing all the negative stuff and cleansing the heart and soul. I love to jump in the puddles and feel the rain drops fall on me. bringing out the inner child in me, I love the sound of the rain for the since of the nurturing it gives to all living things we need water to grow, to be refreshed , I love the sound of the rain for the comfort and warmness it creates in the home I love the sound of the rain for the cuddling my husband and I share ( ok we don't only cuddle when it rains we cuddle all the time)

I simply love the sound of the rain

Jan 31-2/1

2011-02-20T13:30:00.000-08:00

The last day of January went for a ride with Jeff to do some errands good to get out of the house it is strange weather here I seem to be same as far as eating I am aware that I have been eating more than I should so I am scaling down back to Jello and popscile for a few days. 2/1/11 new month feeling a little stressed out had my first episode of "dumping" this morning I realized that if I over eat I get the hiccups so now I am understanding that there are other signs of over eating and not just vomiting. so I plan to be more cautious about my relearning to eat foods. Jeff has been really supportive we are becoming closer he told me he is glad that I had this surgery and that we are together see we have been having many stresses of many issues but he made me feel better he is in support of my decision to be a "life Coach" he is also supportive of the journey I am on and supportive of another thing I decided I would like to try becoming a pampered chef consultant I am going to give it a try as I have a passion for cooking and i love their products and again even if I try and find out it's not my cup of tea at least i can say I tried and have some wonderful kitchen gadgets at a discount basically that is what I sometimes due I join things like this for the consultant discount!

Ah ha Moment

2011-02-19T09:08:00.000-08:00

" The true value of a human being can be found in the degree to which he has attained liberation from the self" Albert Einstein
I had what Oprah Winfrey calls "Ah ha moment" today I say I made a self discovery today something I feel I would be good at, something I feel my path of self discovery is leading me to I feel the need to become a "Life Coach" I am doing the research now as to what steps I will need to take to achieve this and I think that I have found the right place to begin taking my steps on this path it sounds wonderful it is a bit expensive but I think it will be well worth it for me and even if I never put it into use in a professional manner ( I am planning to use it in that capacity) but if not then I believe I can learn and grow from it personally, I ended my evening tonight having a wonderful phone conversation with my son he gave me such encouragement and said I should pursue this path. .

The woes of $

2011-02-18T20:20:00.000-08:00

" Although gold dust is precious when it gets in your eyes it obstructs your vision" His-tang

while I have been home due to my surgery I found out a state disability claim that I filed was " invalid" reason being the school I work for does not pay into it what they do is pay into it as a supplement through a private insurance which as an employee you can get and pay for ( needless to say when I started I did not need nor want to pay for that extra insurance) I refused to use any of my vacation or sick time because I may need it for other things anyway even though I am not being paid for this time off I learned a lesson that I should have really checked into that prior to my surgery except that my surgery happened so fast. I should not have assumed that I would get state disability for my time off. again as I said Lesson learned I have been learning a lot of lessons of late.

My husband has been on disability from his job for almost a year it is a work related injury and yet the day of my surgery he received a letter stating he was terminated. ( I did not know you can be let go while you are on disability) so my husband as filed a grivance with the union for his work and also got the state EEOC and filed a wrongful termination suit. my husband did find out that since is workman's comp case is still on going he will have to exhaust all the disability money before he can file unemployment. my husbands case is on going and he also got permission to file suit from the state we live in.

I have to admit I am concerned my husband is a retired veteran so we are good for medical he does get his retirement and the income from my job is money but not enough so we have been going over things and I am frightened that we may have to file bankruptcy ( I know it 's common in this economy and it's a bad mark on your credit for 10 years) after thinking about it in some ways I think it may be a blessing for us if we did I mean ever since my husband got injured our credit has gotten bad though we work on getting it fixed up but it is always something. so I believe if we do file bankruptcy it would be a blessing to start over I only read a little bit about it so I keep praying that things will get better financially and me getting back to work on Monday will help me to feel like I am helping in a small way. I am also thinking it is time for me to go back to school while I may be able to get a grant or some financial aid while our income is not what it used to be and hopefully my college kids can also get better financial aid. as for my progress I have been walking and my food consumption has been good.

Internally Externally

2011-02-12T06:49:00.000-08:00

On Jan 25th 2011 I had my first post op appointment I have lost 10lbs today since I had surgery which I am told is normal for a revision patient such as myself I also had the drain tube removed that was a bit painful but boy I feel so much better now that it is out and I can actually move and sleep in my bed now. as I am recovering and healing I am beginning to realize that physical journey of my self health and also the emotional and mental path are leading to one path of my self discovery what I am beginning to realize and understand my "ah ha" moment is that my journey is all internal before it can be external.

Internal- the dictionary states the meaning of internal -(a) relating to or occurring or located in the interior of the body (b) relating or belonging to or existing within the mind,

So while I am healing physically internally and re-learning to nourish my body inside me I am also nourishing my mind and the role it all plays with me and food the dictionary describes external is (a) outwardly visible (b) of relating to or connected with the outside or an outer part (c) having only the outward appearance I believe the internal is connected most definitely to the external.

Differences

2011-02-10T08:18:00.000-08:00

"My mind remain wide,so my place is naturally remote" Tao Yuan Ming

The above quote is resonating with how I feel since having my surgery, I am keeping my mind wide open about a great many things while my body and mind go through the healing process. here are a few of my thoughts that have been running through my mind.

On Jan 15th,2011 some might say my life as far as my weight today was a rebirth for me perhaps it was today I had revision gastric bypass surgery, I say revision because I had this surgery seven years ago in 2003 at that time i had lost about 60 lbs( which is a great deal of weight but I never got to the goal the Dr. had set for me and in his eyes he made me feel as though I failed) over the seven years I developed medical issues I had always felt that something was not quite right but I was not told till a few months ago when I was going through the steps to see if I was a candidate for the revision. finding out I was indeed a candidate and my surgery came very fast so here we are. My surgeon Dr. Kelvin Higa is well known and considered number one in the country for this type of surgery.

My experience of seven years ago allowed me to (by pass) some steps this time around steps that people seeking this kind of surgery for the first time must take. My surgeon said that when they open me up they may have to shorten my lower intestine to cause malabsorption ( this was due to the fact that in my original surgery they did not go lower enough) however Dr did not have to shorten my lower intestine after all he did advise me that if I end up with these same issues then shortening my lower intestine would be a possibility in the future. what he ended up doing was repairing a very bad hiatal hernia and just revising my original gastric bypass by making my stomach smaller or creating a pouch as they call it.

so much has changed from seven years ago, for instance a few hours after I was out of recovery they had me walking around hospital floor, I was on a liquid diet which consisted of Jello juice and broth for 1 week only seven years ago I was eating that for a month before attempting soft foods, soft foods now comes into play a week after the liquid diet soft foods entail mashed potatoes, tomato soup, re fried beans, etc I am on soft foods for two weeks week three you begin to reintroduce foods to you mind you only a 1/3 cup if you tolerate that well then you add chicken and meat on week 4 however no bread or bread like things or sweets for a month, I know that this is a tool and so far I am doing pretty well since surgery I have lost 17 lbs funny thing I am almost at the point were I could never pass when I had it the first time. I know this time will be a success, while I have been recuperating I have been drawn to watch cooking shows my family asks me if it bothers me I say no I am actually learning things for healthier cooking ideas. as I stated earlier I know this is a very expensive surgical tool well let's call it a gift I was blessed to receive by being a candidate and having this procedure done I am hoping the outcome is a success the procedure had to be do with the other issues and if those are in check my surgeon and I agree then it will be a success even if I don't lose any weight. my Dr seems to think I will lose 75 lbs in this year hard work and patience and exercise will tell,

I have been on my path of self discovery and self healing hopefully I can keep my paths intertwined and not fall back into emotional and comfort food triggers. I believe I can no I know I can. I just got to keep my mind open.

Back on line

2011-02-05T10:35:00.000-08:00

It has been a little while since my last post the reason being is that my computer went down in our house and well now we are finally back online. I have been catching up and that is taking time.

I have been healing up well I am down 16 lbs as of Friday of course I have been on a soft food eating plan and am now reintroducing food to myself with healthier choices I might add. Since I have been home I have immersed myself into the cooking channel and food network channel learning techniques etc.and reading books to help me on my journey. all and all it has been good. I will post about my recovery after I go through my notes. but all and all I am doing ok.

Surgery

2011-01-18T13:30:00.000-08:00

This past Saturday January 15th I had a revision of a gastric bypass that I originally had seven years ago, I not only had that I also had some other issues going on. When I originally had this surgery seven years ago it was becoming popular due to Carny Wilson I did not have the surgery for the weight loss( I lost some weight but not a great deal) I had it done for other medical reasons which did help. now I find myself in a repeat mode here I am have had the surgery for medical reasons and if I am lucky the weight loss would be a perk but I am more about the medical reasons and I am hoping that having done this again will help me heal as my journey of self health and discovery began in the new year. Do not misunderstand me I am very grateful that the insurance company approved this revision it astonishes me the technology and such that they do now for this compared to seven years ago. So far I am doing well I actually was able to come home late Sunday afternoon which seven years ago I had to stay in hospital like four days! when I stopped to think about it I think about how having this done will affect my life not only by eating, or the physical changes that will or may occur but also the emotional changes that will be apart of this as well. Change is a good thing and I will embrace it one day at time. I am thankful and blessed that I was given this chance or opportunity once again so I am praying and embracing this revision as a revision for a healthy lifestyle to be truly incorporated in my journey and life path that I am on.

Pre-Op

2011-01-13T21:04:00.000-08:00

Today I was prodded and poked for upcoming revision surgery I am having on Sat. I give great kudos to those nurses, medical assistants, x-ray technician and lab technicians that draw blood ever so gently! I have to say I am feeling so much emotions from excited to very nervous! this decision was not an easy one but if it helps me obtain and live a healthier lifestyle then it is what needs to be done! Tonight was my last full meal till surgery tomorrow and for a week or two after I am on a liquid diet. I thought I would have something wonderful for dinner my last solid meal for a while was get this a hot dog and potato chips! what possessed me to have this I do not know. anyway we will see how this will all play out.

thought of the day by Albert Einstein

" The true value of a human being can be found in the degree to which he has attained liberation from the self"

The final decision

2011-01-12T22:40:00.000-08:00

A while back I posted that I had a decision regarding surgery to make. I went through the motions and got the approval from the insurance company after praying and soul searching I have made the final decision that I will go ahead with the gastric bypass revision surgery

What I did not anticipate was that the surgery be scheduled so fast I will be having the surgery this coming Saturday. if you read my blog then you know that in this new year I am on a self discovery path and I guess that having this surgery is part of my journey.

I have always found it kind of wonderous how things just happen to come together or fall in place at the right time I am going to say the good Lord and Angels above and on earth are looking out for me this happening the way it is, is truly a blessing.

I also have to admit I am a bit frightened that I am going through with this surgery afraid of how my life will be changing because of this surgery to many questions and thoughts running through my mind. questions like making sure everything is in order that I have letters written to my husband and children expressing how much I love them. don't misunderstand me I believe it will all work out for the best but there is always the possibility and if it is my time then I am not afraid of death. questions like will this work this time? how will my body be changing, and then like what will my life be like having to buy new clothes, will I like what I see when I look in the mirror? the questions just keep going on and on .

Today I am finding what my journey so far as set fourth and I guess it is a winding path of self health and self discovery and the paths are starting to intertwine.

today 's quote in my head
" Calm is the morn without a sound. calm as to suit a calmer grief, and only through the faded leaf the chestnut pattering to the ground" Alfred Loyd Tennyson

Peace and Hugs

more quotes and thoughts

2011-01-11T22:27:00.000-08:00

" In dwelling live close to the ground, in thinking keep to the simple. In conflict be fair and generous, In governing don't try to control. In work do WHAT YOU ENJOY in family life BE COMPLETELY PRESENT"

Tao Te Ching

Self Discovery page 1

2011-01-10T22:38:00.000-08:00

For 9 days now I am on a journey of self discovery and to that it means that there are times that I need to conquer some of my fears and step out of my comfort zone so here it is my first step as small as it is

A self photo of me with no make up I took a zillion of these as it seemed and this one seemed the nicest to post. though I am only an amature at photography as I go along with my journey I hope that I become better at it especially taking photos of myself.

I call this a raw photo of me yes it was taken in my bathroom where my art is of bathing beauties and you can see a bit of one of the photos ( after all the human body is a wonderful work of art ). as I began my journey for the past nine days I have been taking some stock of myself and that is where this photo kind of comes in. Last November I turned 48 years of age( by some young peoples standards I am considered getting old) however I don't look at it as older I look at it as I am gracefully getting wiser each year I celebrate the day I came into this world and took my first breath!. When I see myself there are times I see an aging woman, and as human as I am there are times when I do not want to see my self but since I started this journey I see my story that has been and is being written by my laugh/frown lines, by my eyes, and the lines around them, the dimples I was born with , scars from my youth, my double chin etc. I embrace it because as mentioned this is who I am, I have never been into the hype of plastic surgery don't get me wrong I am not putting those kind of procedures down for the many woman and men who can afford it and do it to make themselves feel better then I say good for them. but it is not for me. for me I am embracing from the Raw to the fullest of what makes me, and what better person to author their own story right?

funny when I was taking photos of myself I kept hearing the Michael Jackson song play over and over in my head " Man in the Mirror" especially the line " I'm starting with the man in the mirror" then the line " and no message could have been any clearer if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make a change"

well perhaps my journey of self discovery will not make the world a better place but I am hoping for some healthy interior self change.

5 more quotes

2011-01-09T10:07:00.000-08:00

so in 2011 I am going to be expressing quotes that I like or find interesting these quotes come from all over as I keep my mind open to all things.

here are the next five I am sharing.

" We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us. restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for few persons nearest to us" Albert Einstein

" Our life is shaped by our mind, we become what we think Joy follows a pure thought like a shadow that never leaves" Buddha

" Zen does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes" Alan Watts

" The sublime vision comes to the pure and simple soul in a clean and chaste body" Ralph Waldo Emerson.

" At the center of your being you have the answer, you know who you are and you know what you want" Lao-tzu

Something to think about

2011-01-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

This morning I awoke and found this in my email in box after reading it, it gave me food for thought so to speak it really as ignited a little inspiration of fuel in me as I am taking baby steps on my self discovery path any way just thought I would share this with you.

This quote is by Zen Teacher Cheryl Huber.

" Our lives are the result of what we Practice " I should be different", or " I'm afraid " or " I don't know what to do" that is the life experience we will have, what we get in life the life we have is the result of what we do, If i want to be joyful or peaceful or satisfied I must do joyful, peaceful or satisfied I cannot want one thing and practice another thing and get the result I want, what I practice is what I have it is imperative that what I practice is what I Want".

what is it that you want and practice?

On My Path of Self Discovery

2011-01-04T18:09:00.000-08:00

In this new year I am embarking on a path of self discovery, I know that I am a soul-mate, wife, best friend, etc to my husband of 27 years and I continue to embrace what we have built and continue to build. he is my true north always has been and will continue to be even when we are put to the test.

I am a mother to my grown college age kids and would not trade that position for anything in the world my love for my kids and my husband our little family sustains me more than anything they are my guiding light in so many ways.

I am a sister to my sisters and brother and an auntie/Tia to my nieces and nephews. a friend to those who consider me a friend( which is a rare few) but I am a loyal friend. All these things that I know that make up me are fact, yet there are times when I feel like there is a puzzle piece of me missing nothing will change what I am as far as my family is concerned they are my first priority always but in this new year I feel the utmost need or calling if you will to rediscover me.

My first step is to take stock of my life thus far my 20's, 30's and present my 40's I am going to journal about each decade and write my feelings about it what I learned in those years and what I still long to learn, and perhaps along the way journal about it on a blog. what I know for sure is that this path I am embarking on I am guided by the good Lord above and I believe this self discovery is something the Lord is leading me to do and. I am in need of finding a self worth of balance and self healing and growing in my physical and mental and professional life( those are my buzzwords this year self and healing) and to let go of some of the non important baggage that I have been carrying with me. So with some journaling of my thoughts and some meditation I hope to be on the right path of my self discovery no matter how long it takes, or where it leads ( I am hoping to attend some workshops etc.) and even if I discover that there is no puzzle piece of me missing then I know I have had the greatest adventure in following my path of self discovery.

I love quotes and this quote in particular is one of my all time favorite spectacular quotes that hits home with me every time and will remain on my blog.

this quote is by Dolly Parton and reads

"FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE AND DO IT ON PURPOSE'

what path are you on this new year?

quotes to start the new year

2011-01-03T13:29:00.000-08:00

I have used some of these quotes before in a blog or two but I think they are worth repeating for the first three days of the new year.

(A) "Nature does not hurry yet everything is accomplished" Lao -tzu

( B)" Now today moment by moment realize that each person and event that happens is life for you. Life is not somewhere else. See how fully you can accept the life that presents itself to you now" Brenda Shoshanna.

(C) " I do not cut my life up into days but my days into lives each day each hour an entire life" Juan Ramon Jimenez.

2010 In Review

2010-12-30T11:05:00.000-08:00

Looking back at 2010

January- just enjoyed the month of a new year/daughter started new high school in middle of her senior year!
February - Valentines day and once a month hang outs with my son and daughter and date night with my husband
March- had some good and bad moments for the bad we are getting through it all and it made us stronger for the good we had some wonderful celebrations
April-son turned 20, hubby and I took a wonderful day trip to Monterey, celebrated Easter,
May- Daughter graduated high school, and a new boyfriend, husband and I celebrated 27 years of Marriage, daughter's boyfriend got very ill hospital but all is well.
June-celebrated husband and daughters birthdays 51 and 18, took a little weekend trip here and there
July- family vacation to Los Angeles, and San Diego and Arizona had a wonderful time visiting husbands Granny and parents while on a month's vacation from work and loved it!
August-went back to work, kids back at college, husband still off on workman's comp issue
Sept- daughter's boyfriend moved in with us and we did some work around the house
Oct- visited son at school, lost our beloved Granny, took a road trip to Oklahoma to pay our respects to Granny, also went to Branson Mo and saw Roy Clark something Granny would have enjoyed tremendously.celebrated daughter's boyfriend 21 st birthday.
Nov- celebrated Thanksgiving twice once with son at a pizza parlor as he could not come home for Thanksgiving, and the traditional Thanksgiving at home. embracing & celebrated my 48th birthday.furthering a great friendship with a fellow blogger who inspires me daily.
Dec- Traditional shopping bus trip to SF, holiday gatherings, son home for the holiday, Christmas shopping, baking and great family times. looking at my self and realizing I am on a road/journey of self discovery and taking small steps at it but will continue on this path. preparing to ring in the new year and knowing that whatever it may bring I will embrace it.

all in all I can honestly say that 2010 taught me many things. but I must say I am looking forward to the new year.

In the City

2010-12-29T08:50:00.000-08:00

The first weekend in Dec we take a trip to the city of San Francisco

I like the cable cars and thought they were really cool all decorated for the Holiday Season.

it just gets me in the holiday spirit
This week I am preparing for my little family's new years celebration and getting ready to also take my son back to college on Sunday, but later this month I am hoping to spend a weekend in the city of San Fran and take a seminar that I have been so thrilled about. I don't think I am one who would enjoy the city life but I do love coming to San Francisco and visiting and since I live about two hours away it is nice to know I can go when I want.

It's My Party

2010-12-14T19:47:00.000-08:00

So recently I celebrated my 48th birthday I love my Birthday and though some people do not enjoy the fact that they are getting older I love to embrace the fact that I am. it is a graceful process, of course I have wrinkles, they tell a story on my face a story of where I have been in these 48 years and as I age they will continue to do so. I know I need to seriously work on exercising and getting my body in shape and stay healthy but here is the thing I look at about birthdays it is not only do I get a year older I get a year wiser!

I did not really have a party normally we would go out to dinner as a family but since it was during the week and my son is not home from school yet ( his winter break began last Sunday) I decided that I would rather wait till we can all be together.

My daughter and her boyfriend made me a homemade dinner and bought me a black forest cake which was wonderful and I appreciated it so much.

So I am looking forward to when my son gets home and we have our family outing and dinner I am in the process of deciding where that will be after all it my party! LOL!!

It's the most wonderful time of the year

2010-12-06T20:47:00.000-08:00

Every year one of my sister's charter's a bus for the ladies on both sides of her family and we go for a day of shopping in San Francisco. it has become a tradition. the bus ride is fun my sister holds a raffle so that some lucky winner will win their money for the bus back, then someone always makes Mimosa's for those of drinking age!

My daughter and I always have a good time so getting up early and returning home late in the evening this one day a year is well worth it. we do some shopping but for me it is just the quality time I get with my daughter and this year my eldest niece hung out with us which was great. ( she usually is with her daughter's and sister but they could not make it this year)

Our first stop is Union Square shopping center, where the three of us purchased items in a nice little silver store, of course my daughter had to see AF, Pink, then off to Anthropologie store that is always a favorite they have such unique items and beautiful clothes then off to Old Navy for the big sale, finished there then a walk to the General Bead where my niece found what she was looking for, walk back to union square and daughter went to Forever 21 while my niece and I stayed outside and listened to a man preaching and seeing the Santa Clauses walk all around the city. 4 pm off the the pier where we visited the Gap and made a purchase. took a walk and ate dinner at Joe's Crab shack. where we had a window view of the people walking up and down the sidewalks and looking at the street artists while enjoying the ambiance of the waiters and waitresses dancing in Joe's. after dinner a brief walk to Kara's cupcakes( they melt in your mouth) and then walk back to the pier.

the photo of the tree is at pier 39 it is so beautiful lit up at night time. grab something warm to drink and back on the bus where there is noise then complete silence ( we ladies actually shop till we drop! seems like everyone somehow ends up taking a little nap till we reach out final destination of home.

though I have more Christmas shopping to do I am looking forward to next year!

Back to the Steps

2010-12-03T07:22:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in life we find that we don't know what to do next when we feel confused, upset at the end of our rope we should go back to the steps. No matter what situation we are facing working a step will help focus on one then work it

what does it mean to work a step? think about it focus on about how that step will apply make sure to hold on to it tightly as we hang on to the problem

Steps can be one solution they work , we can trust them to work we can trust were the steps will lead us. we just have to follow the steps to lead us to the path we need to take

what steps are you following?

We Can Trust Ourselves

2010-11-27T20:33:00.000-08:00

For many people there comes a time when the issue is not whether we can trust another person again; it's whether we can trust our own judgment again

it is funny how in a blink of an eye life can change your perspective on how you see things and before you know it (depending) on the situation can also change your thoughts and bring you down
I have found myself pondering this question of trust then I came across this passage

" Today I will let go of my fears about trusting myself because I have made mistakes in the past
I understand that these fears only serve to impair my judgment today I will give up my past even my mistakes validity by accepting and being grateful for it all, I will look as to why my mistakes were made and what I have gained from making these mistakes I will keep a wonderful open eye out for improvement in all aspects of my life"

I have had the pleasure of knowing

2010-11-07T08:14:00.000-08:00

Aside from my mother there was one woman who just like her was one of the best woman I ever had the pleasure of knowing and that was Thelma Lois Clark Madden (a.k.a. Granny) she was my husband' s grandmother., when I came into the family almost 28yrs ago she and I became kindred spirits she was a week younger than my own mother. and it was such a joy to always talk to her in person and on the phone. we would always have the capacity to brighten each others day and there was nothing that we could not ever talk about.

we had such things in common love of cooking (she gave me a few secret family recipes and tricks she cooked like my mother never measuring anything but it always came out good! we had a love for thrift and antique shopping, and yard sales. and listening to old time ( bluegrass) music as well as country music.

she was strong and told us ( my husband, myself and our kids) the most amazing stories of when she was a girl and when she and her husband met and just so much great family history. she was a leather craft artist we are told the National Cowboy Heritage Museum had made repeated offers to purchase and acquire these free hand leather art work.

The photos were all divided among the grandchildren ours hang on the wall and I take such joy and pride when looking at them they not only are art they are also pieces of family history and that is where they remain in the family forever.

Sadly on Oct 11Th 2010 my kindred spirit left this earth to be with her soul-mate in heaven interesting fact she passed 10 days before the passing anniversary which was sated for 1o/21/10 we all for sure thought that she would not make herself last this many years without him. at least our granny is at peace now and with her husband.

My husband was very close to his grandparents when his grandpa passed my husband could not attend his grandfather's service. My husband had a pneumonia at the time we did however go back to visit granny that summer before she moved out to AZ. His grandparents told him stories of traveling the route 55 so on our way driving to Oklahoma we paid homage and we took the old route 66 route and I-40 and took in the scenery and time.

I am glad that we took the time to do this Thelma Lois Cook Madden (Granny) was a very special person in my life. Our last visit with her was in July she was always happy to see us and she had us sit on each side of her holding our hands looking at my husband telling him while raising my hand and saying to him " This girl is the best she is a keeper you better always remember that you have a rare gem who's love in her heart shines in both of you" I cannot express that since her passing I hear her voice saying those words. I will never forget her she lives in my heart forever.

Thelma Lois Cook Clark
March 1920-Oct 2010

Decision

2010-10-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

Seven years ago I had gastric bypass surgery not for the weight loss I had it more so because my high blood pressure was getting bad and also my diabetes. I had the surgery and it all went smooth of course they know more now then they did then, however I did well, as stated earlier I did not lose an over whelming amount of weight I lost a bit but never got out of the numbers I was stuck in and upon my follow up they treated me like they were greatly disappointed in me for not. to me the weight loss was a bit of a perk I had this done to help with the blood pressure and diabetes which it did I was taken off the blood pressure medication and am still on a lesser of the diabetes. But I always felt like something was not right I could intake more fluids and food then I thought and I always felt like my food was stuck going down. but not knowing I just chalked it up to this is the way it is suppose to be.

well of course I regained weight and found out I have osteoporosis and osteo arthritis at the age of 47! I was asked to do some tests and low and behold found out I have a sliding hernia near my esophagus hence why I feel like my food is stuck and I was sent to a bariatric surgeon who gave me some news that has lead me to this state of decision making:

I can take the news two different ways the news is I am a prime candidate for a revision on my bypass apparently when I had it done seven years ago it was fine they just did not go down far enough which is why I did not lose a lot of weight. which is good news if I want to go through everything again of course there are side effects and as the surgeon said we have come along way since you had your surgery. the other way I could take this is do nothing and run the risk of more weight gain as hard as i try and then as I age have the chance of my diabetes and everything ailing me get worse. What to do?

After talking with my husband I agreed to at least hear the Dr's out I agreed to take the tests and see if in fact the insurance company agrees cause after all if the insurance won't pay no way will i be doing this should I decide to.!

that is where I am at going through everything knowing that if the insurance agrees then I have to decide on having the revision or not. having the revision could mean a great deal it could help me with the diabetes, it could aid in a significant amount of weight loss it could lead me to a healthier lifestyle and not always feel like a failure with weight issues!

but on the other side of the coin, there are side effects with everything I mean I had my insides altered once seven years ago should I really mess with that again? I really just don't know, my husband and son say I should do it, my daughter says it is my decision and she supports whatever she just wants to know that I will be around when she is married and has children.
( I plan on being) seven years ago cause it was new she was not happy about me having the surgery at all!. I guess we will find out sooner or later this last Friday I was told that my case is now in review with the insurance company and it looks good due to the hernia.

I have so many things going on in my life to blog about and I hope to reconnect with myself and the blog writing very soon I keep telling my self I am and I somehow get side tracked! I will post what I will decide when i make that decision It just felt good to put it out here in blog land.

The Beach Feeds My Soul

2010-09-18T11:46:00.000-07:00

There is something about the ocean that well in a healthy mental way literally "feeds my soul"
this photo of my husband Jeff and I was taken by our son last April in SF while we were there for the day celebrating our son's 20th birthday.
behind us you can see Alcatraz, any how I really don't know what it is about the ocean that makes me feel at peace and that all the worries and stresses that I have inside me before I get to the beach somehow seems to calm me and I know it will all work out when I get near the ocean and listen and feel the breeze and mist. I am by far not a person who by any means enjoys swimming in it the most I will do is walk along the shore line barefoot. but I love sitting on the sand watching and listening to it sing. realizing just how small I am next to it How big and strong it is flowing back and forth. I can't explain the feeling it gives me but it knows how to make me feel better some how knows the hunger my soul is needing and well it just "feeds my soul" I also know that the Lord above guides me and he to feeds my soul the beauty of the water, mountains all the things I love are just a mere extension of the blessings the Lord gives to me. and I am
grateful for that. What feeds your soul?

Summer 10

2010-09-06T09:21:00.000-07:00

2010 summer in retrospect.

I had the whole month of July off of course working for a school and so the time off was without pay but I don't mind that I usually only get two weeks so this year due to budget cuts having a month off was a blessing
my husband and I took a trip over the July 4th weekend and visited his parents in Az it kind of sounds crazy to watch fireworks over a river in NV but that is what we did it was a fun filled weekend. came home with intentions of doing many other things but for two weeks of it I ended up starting projects and coming up with ideas I am going to slowly do for myself. Saw a movie or two
read some great books, visited my eldest niece who I love spending time with. ( plan to do more of that!) visited with my sisters for a little bit, at the end of the month we took a family weekend and went to San Diego,( blog and photos to come) took a tour of the Olympic Training Facility, had lunch at Croce's and dinner in old town San Diego, then sent my daughter and her boyfriend on their way to Az to visit his grandparents for a week. my son, husband and I came home and
enjoyed the coast and went to our favorite open air markets. I went back to work , daughter and boyfriend returned from Az daughter started college, and we had a family dinner Son back at college in Santa Cruz and this last weekend husband Jeff and I went to Oregon to check out places there we may want to retire out of few only like one town, had a blast at the open air market in Eugene love the artists work and vibe they give the hippies are still alive and well as one sign said! left Eugene hit the coast drove home now catching up on all to catch up on. Summer in over and I look forward to fall.

Tim and Lady A

2010-07-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

As most of you know one of my guilty pleasures is to attend a few concerts of different kinds of music. somehow I always end up at a couple of country concerts ( yes, I love country music!) to start off our season this year My daughter and I saw Tim McGraw and Lady Antebellum it was kind of suppose to be a double date with her boyfriend and my husband but the guys bailed out ( well OK they got the flu) and so I was able to
give their tickets to one of my sister's who is a huge Tim McGraw fan, I was so happy to see her smiling face at the concert.
The concert was good the last time I saw Tim in concert was with his wife Faith Hill and all though they put on a good show together I think that separately they rock the house! I got some really good photos of the concert. and Tim played some of his new and old stuff.
This was the first time I got to see Lady A play they are becoming very popular and I enjoy there music all though they were the warm up band and only played for approx 30 min they too made the crowd cheer with excitement and joy. singing their songs. I also got some nice photos of them. all and all my daughter and I had a great time.

next on our list is Brad Paisley and Darius Rucker ( I know another country concert) and then some pop like Maroon 5 then back to my generation of Jimmy Buffett, and mix in some Michael Buble!

Who Am I ?

2010-06-10T08:37:00.000-07:00

I love the life I live everyday good or bad come what may it is a blessing to me. I read a quote by Drew Barrymore once that said " I never regret anything because every little detail of your life is what made you into the person you are in the end" I believe this quote though it is very easy to regret and learn to accept and live with those regrets it is a true statement that every detail of your life makes you the person you are. As of late I find myself wondering who I am.

Who am I? I hope that I am living my life as a loving wife/soulmate/partner to my husband of 27 years marriage is a daily constant work of art in progress that strengthens me. for barley knowing each other as we did and having a whirlwind relationship and having people tell us we would not last we are living proof 27 years later that with true love anything that is worth fighting for is worth it! as I have stated many times my husband Jeff is my ultimate best friend and my soul-mate I found my destiny with him the moment I laid my eyes on him and yes we argue, fuss and fight and agree to disagree but bottom line is we love each other sometimes it is shown with much affection and other times it is unspoken between us and just known I have no regrets about the way we met and married. I am enjoying growing old with this man and I love him more each and everyday. I look forward to the rest of our love/life eternal journey together in the years to come.

As a Mother I hope that I have taught my children to live their lives to the fullest and have shown them unconditional love and respect for us and themselves and to stand in their beliefs, that marriage is worth all the constant, love and respect and support even when you think it isn't and I will continue to do so even though they are young adult. the relationship between parents and children does change as it should I think it gets better but for me my son and daughter have been my constant light and love no mere words could express my everlasting eternal love for them.

they have taught me so many things and I am proud of who they are and who they are becoming and that they welcome me into their lives, I enjoy our conversations I have with each of them. My relationship with each of them is so very special to me My son has taught me so much about compassion he a learner and a teacher and will make a great professor one day. My daughter is my best friend( I know all mom's say that) I kind of relate our relationship in some ways to the "Gilmore Girls" the dynamics the mother and daughter characters in that show shared is what i feel between me and my daughter who I talk about everything she has a quote she likes that says " Be the kind of woman you would want your daughter to be" well my daughter has surpassed that tremendously I am so proud of her and I love and value our close relationship and I know nothing nor no one will ever come between us.

My children have been my sound of reason at time when I needed it most I love that they have a trust in me with no secrets and that no matter what they know that they can come to me with anything and I will always be there to listen, guide, give them a shoulder to lean on a lap to cry on if needed whatever they need without any kind of judgment.

I welcome who they bring that becomes part of our family my daughter has already done so she has brought a remarkable young gentleman whom I have become very fond of not only had this special man Kevin become my best friend for almost a year he and my daughter have fallen in love they are courting and promised and Kevin will one day be my son ( though I already consider him my other son) my husband and son are very fond of Kevin as well and we are glad to have him as a member of our family. We know he will make our daughter happy and they will have a great life when they are married ( after college) and be close to our families.

As a woman well I guess I hope that I am a woman of strength I learned how strong a woman could be from my mother. Bless her soul for all that she taught me and given to me. another favorite quote by Drew that I like is this " I pray to be like the ocean with soft currents maybe waves at times more and more I want consistency rather than the highs and lows" I am working on that in my life.

lately the Beatles song In My Life has been playing over and over in my head.
There are places I remember all my life though some of changed some forever not for better
some have gone and remain all these places have their moments with lovers and friends i still can recall some are dead and some are living in my life I've loved them all.

but of all these friends and lovers there is no one compares to you and these memories lose their meaning when I think of love as something new though I know I'll never lose affection for people and things that went before I know I'll often think about them in my life I love you more.

I do love my husband, kids more

so who am I?
I am me a person who tires to do the best she can daily I hope that the special people in my life
knows that. I have been asked if I think I am beautiful well I am not comfortable answering questions of that nature so I respond with this quote "When I lay my head on the pillow at night I can say I was decent person today that is when I feel BEAUTIFUL

Stronger Woman

2010-05-08T08:15:00.000-07:00

I have been away from the world of blogging my expressions for most of this year. reason being I have had so many things going on in my family life that made my heart not want to express anything I have been kind of numb. though I know that if my heart would have been in it my blogger friends would have been there with love and support.

Growing up I had the pleasure of learning from my mom and she was the strongest woman I have ever known. watching her strength through any situation always made me in awe of her, even though she lives in my heart she guides me through.

My number one priority has and always will be my family
and I try to do the best that I can to be there with all my love and support.

My husband and I just celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary I remember when we first started out because our relationship was so very quick people would tell us it won't last funny thing those people that told us that they have been divorced and remarried several times.

My husband had an injury that was work related three years ago and been living in pain and surgeries and diagnosis and dealing with attorney's hopefully this is about ready to come to a conclusion and I am confident that he will come out the winner in his battle. I have really been living in this pain with him this injury caused him so much turmoil that it literally took over not only his life but OUR lives. now things are returning to normal. Though it has been hard my children have been my rock through all of this..

My son is doing well in college gosh he can grad early next year if he chooses but has decided to take the extra year. haven't seen much of him this year as being a resident aide for the dorms keeps him busy but have enjoyed when we do spend time next year will be the same. I can't believe I am the mother of a 20 yr old.

My daughter is healing after going through a really bad experience and I am so glad that she has not lost who she is and I am grateful that she and I are so very close. She will be graduating high school in 6 days, she has a new boyfriend who my husband and I adore and can see the young man becoming our son in law in the future. in a few weeks she will be 18.

it is interesting just how strong a person finds out they are when they are going through situations that they feel they have no control over. I have felt so many emotions some that made me feel guilty for feeling that way to the point that I began to feel like I was losing sight of who I am and still want to become, but again my family comes first then me I think that is how women are made.

I guess I find that I am my mother's daughter and she was a strong woman so I am grateful that every aspect of her is in me her love, her strength, my daughter has a favorite saying
" Be the woman you would want your daughter to be" she says that I am her inspiration when she thinks of that quote. I guess I am my mother's daughter and my daughter is mine.

Happy mother's day and peace and hugs

Cal State Monterey

2010-03-14T15:45:00.000-07:00

My daughter is graduating high school in two short months and my how the time has flown by.
she applied and was accepted to all the colleges she applied to but she has made her choice she will be attending and living at Cal State University Monterey and we are so proud of her decision. She will be a short drive from her brother who attends UC Santa Cruz and still yet a short drive from home as well. hence now she is bugging us that she needs a car of her own!

well I am happy becuase when I go to visit I will be able to see both of my kids and we will have plenty of fun at the beaches!!!

just a quote for today

2010-02-25T21:42:00.000-08:00

"Love is the most motivating factor
that will determine your destination and place
you on a firm foundation."

blogging

2010-02-19T20:28:00.000-08:00

I have been a way from blogging for quite sometime no excuses I have just had so much going on in my life for the past year and a half. some bad, most good, and best of all we are all happy, safe, healthy or working on the healthy and blessed day by day.

I hope to start blogging again I can't say for certain how often but I will get some out there.
I have missed it but in my defense at the time had nothing really to share or nothing I felt the need to write or at times did not think anyone would be interested in my expressions at the time.

so for those of you who still have checked to see if anything was new I promise there will be, and thanks for sticking it out with me. I am slowly getting back into the swing of things. My fellow friends who's blogs I read I did keep up in reading those and let me say your posts inspired me. <3

2009 in review

2009-12-31T08:05:00.000-08:00

" The thing about life is, it's not about things"

Going on a hike and taking in all the beauty that nature has to offer,your oldest child turning 19!, Laughing until you cry, Friends that become relatives, Bike rides, College tours, Jumping off the cliff into the water, Watching sunsets and sunrises, Road trips, New Marraiges, New babies in the family, Private jokes that never get old!, Learning a new recipe, Listening to and feeling raindrops, Learning to adapt to a different kinds of music and enjoy it, Letting go of someone you love, Wildflowers, Taking photos, Family gatherings, Craft day, Being kind, Having faith, Proving to yourself that you can still do whatever you want, Overcoming obstacles, Surviving hardships, Always getting that butterfly feeling, Dancing, Swimming, Watching the stars, Learning something new, Being happy. Acceptance, Living life day to day, Standing near the ocean and listening, Feeling the wind. Late night talks, Old movie nights, Birthday parties, San Francisco bus trips, Christmas carolers at your door, Spending time with friends, Making some one smile, Making some one happy, Cupcakes that melt in your mouth, Hugging, Cuddling, Counting your blessings

May you all have a safe and Happy New 2010

Christmas Bell

2009-12-23T07:31:00.000-08:00

someone sent this to me and I thought I would share sorry for how it came out on this post it is suppose to be a bell
Merry Christmas to all my blog friends and family.

Christ’s Bell

THE BELL
I KNOW WHO I AM
I am God's child (John 1:12)
I am Christ's friend (John 15:15 )
I am united with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17)
I am bought with a price (1 Cor 6:19-20)
I am a saint (set apart for God). (Eph. 1:1)
I am a personal witness of Christ. (Acts 1:8)
I am the salt & light of the earth (Matt 5:13-14)
I am a member of the body of Christ (1 Cor 12:27)
I am free forever from condemnation ( Rom. 8: 1-2)
I am a citizen of Heaven. I am significant (Phil 3 :20)
I am free from any charge against me (Rom. 8:31 -34)
I am a minister of reconciliation for God (2 Cor 5:17-21)
I have access to God through the Holy Spirit (Eph. 2:18)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms (Eph. 2:6)
I cannot be separated from the love of God (Rom 8:35-39)
I am established, anointed, sealed by God (2 Cor 1:21-22 )
I am assured all things work together for good (Rom. 8:28 )
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit (John 15:16 )
I may approach God with freedom and confidence (Eph.. 3: 12 )
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13 )
I am the branch of the true vine, a channel of His life (John 15: 1-5)
I am God's temple (1 Cor. 3: 16). I am complete in Christ (Col. 2: 10)
I am hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3).. I have been justified (Romans 5:1)
I am God's co-worker (1 Cor. 3:9; 2 Cor 6:1). I am God's workmanship (Eph. 2:10)
I am confident that the good works God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil. 1: 5)
I have been redeemed and forgiven ( Col 1:14). I have been adopted as God's child (Eph 1:5)
I belong to God
Do you know
Who you are?

Peace this season

2009-12-12T08:52:00.000-08:00

Last weekend we took our annual holiday shopping trip to San Francisco
it is such a wonderful time because
we catch up with family and friends.

we start the bus ride with Mimosa's and I had the chance to get to talk with my niece who has only been in the family for almost three years now. that meant a great deal to me. only because even though we live in surrounding areas life keeps us busy and we don't always get to see each other. but I am hoping that will change in the new year at least that is one of my hopes. My daughter and I had a great deal of fun we shopped and she probably shopped for her self and for sure more than I shopped! we found ourselves in MACY'S where after trying on 20 some dresses she found the perfect one and it was reasonably priced and on sale which made it better!. Down at the Ghiradelli square we had the best cupcake ever at Kara's cupcakes they melt in your mouth then of course dinner at what has now become her favorite place Joe's Crab Shack where we watched the wait staff dance and they played wonderful music. then walked back to the pier 39 where we enjoyed watching a spray paint artist who was talented and to the bread factory for some sourdough bread to bring home, then on the bus back home.

there were many signs posted all over stores and billboards saying "peace" that is what I wish
for everyone in these few days before Christmas " peace"

refelection

2009-12-03T20:31:00.001-08:00

It has been quite sometime since I have posted anything on this blog
partly because I have been kind of lazy I am on a computer all day at work and by the time I get home make dinner and clean up i am kind of not in the mood to get on the computer again! and the other part is cause this past year I have had so many different layers in my life. from health issues for both me and my husband to the daily things that happen in ones day to day of life. I am in awe of all the blessings I have each and every day. also preparing for the holidays in following one of my families traditions a few weeks ago myself and two of my sisters made 40 dozen tamales for our family it is a great deal of time consuming work but I love the tradition of this that my mother had given to me and it is something that I intend to keep doing
till I am unable to. it brings joy to me to be able to do this for my family!. then there was Thanksgiving we stayed home and I cooked for the four of us it was fun just sitting and talking with our kids. then last Sunday I turned 47 I don't look at it as I am older of course I am another year older I have started looking at it as I am getting another year wiser and accept my aging with grace. yes I need to work on weight issues and I intend to do so on a day to day basis.

now we are getting ready for the Christmas holiday which in my household is filled with excitement of baking cookies, planning our dinner and of course what the spirit of Christmas means. another special thing that has become a tradition is that my daughter and I go on a shopping trip to San Francisco with some other family members this year in particular is very special because I am not sure if this will be the last one with my daughter for a while since she will be off to college next fall. ( I am hoping she chooses one close by) so of late I have been reflecting on all that has happened in the last 11 months and look forward to embracing the new
year to come. ( but that will be another blog stay tuned!!)

Zen Thought 11/3/09

2009-11-03T05:30:00.000-08:00

" I have nothing to report my friends,
if you want to find the meaning stop
chasing after so many things"
Ryokan

Life ain't Always Beautiful

2009-10-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

Life ain't always beautiful
sometimes it's just plain hard
life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
you think your on your way
and it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
and the changes make you wise
and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time

no life ain't always beautiful
tears will fall sometimes
life ain't always beautiful
but it's a beautiful ride

life ain't always beautiful
sometimes I miss your smile
i get tired of walking down these lonely miles

and I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
guess i can dream, but life don't work that way

but the struggles make me stronger
and the changes make me wise
and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time

No life ain't always beautiful
but I know I 'll be fine
Hey life ain't always beautiful
but it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride.

this is a song that was written by Cyndi Goodman and Tommy Lee James and recorded by Gary Allan. it is a song that lately has really resonated with me for many reasons I really can't
explain right now. but the words hit me and I Know that Life is not always beautiful , struggles do make you stronger and changes do make you wise.

and yes LIFE is a Beautiful Ride

Never Forget

2009-10-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

" Never forget the powerful resources always available to you- LOVE, PRAYER, FORGIVENESS"

Sometimes when I see things like this wagon my mind wanders through time ( like an episode of Little House on the Prairie I sometimes catch an old rerun of that show) I think about the struggles that they went through. My husband's grandmother ( Granny) as she is called by us has given us wonderful stories of her youth riding in wagon, hunting and fishing with her grandpa and Papa, going to the church that was also her school helping with all the siblings. and her family always hoping the crop would be a good one every year as they also ran the local cemetery. as my mind wanders I think if our grandparents, and even parents have lived through a depression, a few world wars, that in today's world we should be able to as well,( we are and I know that it is economically challenging) they did not have the luxuries or resources that we do today. except for the three I mentioned above those to me are the resources and luxuries that is needed in this world and I certainly try to instill them in my everyday life. Our granny has had Parkinson's for many years she is in her late 80's and it is finally taking it's toll on her but she does not give up. sadly she fell and can no longer live by herself and has dementia she is very stubborn when it comes to her independence! and now lives in an assisted home. and just last week she had lost her only surviving sibling ( she has out lived 3 sisters and 1 brother) I spoke to her and she reminded me of what these three things that are most important in any life time.

LOVE- love the Lord, Love your life, Love your family & friends.
Prayer- Always have faith,
Forgiveness- always have a heart of forgiveness because not forgiving can only hurt you.

Decisions

2009-09-23T20:12:00.001-07:00

My daughter is a senior in high school and is now in the midst of having to make some important decisions of what colleges to apply to, as well as some other decisions. she is feeling the nervousness and I feel it too. My baby girl has grown so fast! and though I know it is time to let her spread her wings and fly I can't help but feel a little bit sad. I felt this way with my son but for some reason the feeling with my girl is hitting me a bit harder is it because she is my only daughter? or the last to leave the nest? I don't really know but what ever decision she makes for herself I will support in every way possible. she has always beat to a different drum and this I am sure will be no different. over the summer she and her brother got closer in many ways they have always been each others rock and this summer she really needed him and us. I am hoping that her choice will be somewhere not to far sort of like my son but she has already told me that though we love going to visit her brother in Santa Cruz she has no plans to apply to that college. I respect that! they need there own places to be. but I am hoping that she chooses some place that is in driving distance I guess we will know this spring.
Until then.

I May

2009-09-19T01:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not a perfect girl my hair doesn't always stay in place and I spill things alot. I'm pretty clumsy and sometimes I have a broken heart.

and sometimes my friends and I fight
and some days nothing goes right.

but when I think about it and take a step back I remember how amazing life truly is and that maybe just maybe I like being imperfect

I Know

2009-09-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

I know that God is LOVE and there's no fear in LOVE so I am FEARLESS

Quote for today

2009-09-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

" If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change"

That Time Again

2009-09-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

Well the time as come once again for my son to head back to UC Santa Cruz
he was home for the summer and aside from working and taking a trip to the Shakespeare festival with one of my sisters for a week in Oregon and being home. I feel as though the time flew by and I really did not get to spend the quality time I would have liked to with him. This last week we made it a point to hit the local Starbucks and sit with our drinks
him his white choc mocha me my venti black sweetened ice tea and a few scones and talk, this is a ritual we usually do but lately it has been a now and then thing. but it was good we talked. He did so well last year that this year will be even better for him. He found out two weeks ago that he is going to be a Residential Aide for 15 freshman! pretty ironic since he himself was a freshman last year so he can share the wisdom! what is more exciting is he gets is own dorm room!! and his food paid for the year which is really a blessing to us all. and with my hubby's VA paying the tuition he is pretty set for this school year
he is also going to be tutoring. so that will be is spending money!! of course he will be back for visits and we will be up there for plenty of visits and having him take us to the coolest eateries. He and I have our phone conversation nights which last year have become so very special to me. sometimes a mom just needs to hear her son's voice!!

Last week we did the last minute shopping of essentials you know laundry detergent, toiletries etc. I can honestly say I as I write this I am a bit teary eyed because I am savoring the moments, minutes, hours that we spent doing this.

I am so in awe of my baby yes, he is a young man but as any mother would say no matter what age he is always my first born baby forever. I know he will succeed with all the passion he has
he is a double major and last year got well on his way Anthropology and Legal studies he plans to go to grad school and can see himself teach at a university. and to be honest I can see him doing that.

so, though he left yesterday and his all settled in his new dorm room and we have already talked and I still feel a little blue it was so nice having him home. but I am looking forward to visiting him and having him show me all the great things in his world in Santa Cruz.

A while

2009-08-23T22:57:00.000-07:00

it has been quite a while since I have posted anything on this blog of mine,. partly because I have really haven't had anything I really felt like sharing and too I am on a computer all day long at work and sometimes I just don't feel like getting on it. and well the kids have their fair time on it as well
but I have come to realize I have missed this I don't think I will be a daily poster but I will try and get the things that are important to me posted of course I will continue to post quotes that resonate with me. and of course I will get back to following and commenting on my favorite blogs.

The Air that I Breathe

2009-08-04T20:10:00.000-07:00

" All I need is the air that I breathe and to love you"

Three Things

2009-07-22T07:57:00.000-07:00

By Lao Tzu

" I have just three things to teach
Simplicity, Patience, Compassion
these things are your greatest treasures"

Updates

2009-07-20T07:30:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I blogged about things going on with myself and family so I thought I would update our year so far.

As you know our son attended his first year of college at UC Santa Cruz and it was a good year for him he did really well so well in fact that by January he was taking second year courses and this fall he will have almost completed one major he is majoring in Anthropology and Legal Studies. he and his girlfriend broke up( which happens) and he is doing very well he is home with us for the summer got his job back and will be taking a vacation today with one of his aunts.. then of course back to Santa Cruz in September I enjoy visiting him and getting to know that nice little city. Our Daughter is still beautiful as ever she just finished her junior year so we are headed into our looking at colleges mode once again. She is also working and is still amazing.
My husband and I are doing the same ol thing, working and spending time with each other when we can, sure we see each other every night but our quality time is weekends. we took some hiking trips and little day trips here and there and hopefully will do a little more this summer. as usual we will see a few concerts. I am now on my mini vacation from work I begin again on the 31st so I am hoping to catch up with family members. This week a day trip to beach with my daughter and a movie, some appointments to take care of things apparently I have a little bit of a bleeder in my eye so waiting to see specialist, daughter is getting braces on Sat. finshing up some major cleaning around the house and next week another day trip with kids, lunch with some special people and then it will be back to work to begin another school year. I guess time really does fly by!!!

with you

2009-07-16T19:19:00.000-07:00

With you I can be strong , I can be weak
I can be courageous , I can be afraid.
I can be everything I want to be and I can be most vulnerable with you. ..
I can be my self.

Zen Saying

2009-07-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

" Be the master of mind, rather than mastered by mind"