Right now the Eagles song" there's a hole in the world tonight" is racing through my head only i hear the words there's a hole in my heart and that is truly how i am feeling right at this moment a great deal of un-necessary emotion got the best of my household tonight and has made me feel like I have a huge hole in my heart it aches and I can't stop crying. I am not going to go into details but needless to say that being a parent is a very hard job no matter what age your child is and tonight proves that. I am concerned and worried about someone I love and I feel helpless to help them this person means the world to me I know this person has a big heart and lot's of love to give but the actions and words of tonight just make me pray harder and wonder what is to come. I hope this person knows how much they are loved unconditionally by this family and that no one is against them we just give our advice and hope that it helps them in some way. all lessons in life do not have to be learned the hard way.
There is another song I am hearing in my head it is Love is not a fight and the lyrics go
Love is not a place to come and go as we please
it's a house we enter in and commit to never leave
so lock the door behind you, throw away the key
we'll work it out together let it bring us to our knees
love is a shelter in a raging storm
love is peace in a middle of a war
and if we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
no love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for
to some love is a word that they can fall into
but when they're falling out keeping that word is hard to do
love is a shelter in a raging storm
love is peace in a middle of a war
and if we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
no love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for
love will come to safe us
if we'll only call
he will ask nothing from us
but demand we give our all
love is a shelter in a raging storm
love is peace in the middle of a war
and if we try to leave may God send angles to guard the doo
no love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for
I will fight for you
would you fight for me
it's worth fighting for
so full of emotions that I am also hearing Fleetwood Mac Landslide that is how I am also feeling I hope as this night fades so will some of what I am feeling but I sincerely doubt it I will pray for patience and God love to get my family through this.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
In an Instant
Is it not interesting what can happen to change your life completely in an instant. Last week my family had a scare with the earthquake in Japan I have a nephew and his family who live there and as soon as we heard about it on the news many family members were on FB( facebook) asking if they were affected by it with the grace of our Lord he and his family live far from where it all took place but they have friends and other relatives who did live in that area, then the Tsunami and the strength it had hitting the Ca coast I was a bit worried about our son who attends college in Santa Cruz but he assured me he would be safe on campus and thankfully so, the damage it caused in Santa Cruz total 5 million so far.
In a split second life changes my nephew just got word that one of his good high school chums just passed from ALS my nephew in the last two years has lost quite a few friends from high school and college and though it is hard to know these young men passed at such a young age my nephew has handled it with strength and dignity. and I am so proud of him, My niece had the loss of her father in law this week who had a stroke take his life at the young age of 67 she to is handling this loss with grace and strength for herself and for her husband and his family. and I am proud of her as well.
Life is so fragile one must really just enjoy it to the fullest I know I am blessed with my immediate family all together and look forward to them yes I want encourage them to fly but I am glad that they like to be near by as well.
sometimes Gods greatest gifts in this life are unanswered prayers and I am truely blessed by what he brings in my life on a daily basis
In a split second life changes my nephew just got word that one of his good high school chums just passed from ALS my nephew in the last two years has lost quite a few friends from high school and college and though it is hard to know these young men passed at such a young age my nephew has handled it with strength and dignity. and I am so proud of him, My niece had the loss of her father in law this week who had a stroke take his life at the young age of 67 she to is handling this loss with grace and strength for herself and for her husband and his family. and I am proud of her as well.
Life is so fragile one must really just enjoy it to the fullest I know I am blessed with my immediate family all together and look forward to them yes I want encourage them to fly but I am glad that they like to be near by as well.
sometimes Gods greatest gifts in this life are unanswered prayers and I am truely blessed by what he brings in my life on a daily basis
Friday, February 25, 2011
The Visit
On Jan 29th marked three weeks since surgery and I started to reintroduce food to myself mind you only a third cup per serving. that seems so small until you measure your food ! my husband Jeff and I decided I needed to get out of the house and go visit our son Kiel who attends UC Santa Cruz since he had been sick they thought he had an pnuemonia he ended up having a severe cold. anyway we had hoped to spend the day with our son however when we got there we only ended up spending about 15 min with him as he found out that morning he had a residential aide interviews to conduct so we planned a rain check date. So Jeff and I drove down to Campbell and I had my first lunch out since I am reintroducing foods we ate at subway and I had scoop of tuna in a bowl cause I can not have breads or bread products yet. they charged me the same price as if I had bought a sandwhich I do not want to over eat so I am being very careful but I fear that I might have and did but I did not get any kind of dumping syndrome so I don't know. we windowed shopped around and later had soup at Fresh Choice it was a challenge for me but I did ok I still believe that I over ate I have to be so careful about overeating. when i got home a bit of an incident occurred but it will work itself out.
Monday, February 21, 2011
The sound of the rain
"Meditation is not an escape from life but a preparation for really being in life" Tinch Nhat Hanh
Jan 30th I awoke to the sound of rain it sometimes is a beautiful sound when it stopped I took a brisk walk to buy a newspaper and get a bit of exercising in by doing the walk cause right now that is extent of the exercising I can do. later Jeff and I went into town and purchased a convention counter oven i got the food network brand this item is something I have long wanted the only reason we bought it is cause it was on sale for a good price other wise I would have kept waiting. then Jeff took me to lunch at Panda Express I thought I would be ok wth just steamed vegetables my stomach was so not ready for that again had the feeling I over ate. so I was careful the rest of the day. came home and made my mother in laws soup today when I weighed I am down 14lbs still a great deal to go but again the dropping of the lbs is a perk I still have a great deal to do and accomplish. awkwardness with my daughters boyfriend sorry he feels that way but Jeff and I will not tolerate not treating our daughter with respect (even if they argue we call her on it as well if she is treating him bad) no matter what we will support our daughter what kind of parents would we be if we did not get upset at him for what he said to our daughter we are over it but hopefully he understands that we mean what we say. he will she will they will treat each other with respect. It has been weeks since I wrote the main part of this post and I think the kids ( my daughter and her boyfriend) have gained more respect for us. these are life's lessons we are teaching them so that if and when they do end up getting married at least they have a strong type of mentors to follow. I am not saying that my husband and I are perfect certainly we not but we have lived and been married for 28 years so we should know a little of what we talk about.
I so enjoy the sound of the rain as when I listen to it, it reminds me just how it trickles down washing all the negative stuff and cleansing the heart and soul. I love to jump in the puddles and feel the rain drops fall on me. bringing out the inner child in me, I love the sound of the rain for the since of the nurturing it gives to all living things we need water to grow, to be refreshed , I love the sound of the rain for the comfort and warmness it creates in the home I love the sound of the rain for the cuddling my husband and I share ( ok we don't only cuddle when it rains we cuddle all the time)
I simply love the sound of the rain
Jan 30th I awoke to the sound of rain it sometimes is a beautiful sound when it stopped I took a brisk walk to buy a newspaper and get a bit of exercising in by doing the walk cause right now that is extent of the exercising I can do. later Jeff and I went into town and purchased a convention counter oven i got the food network brand this item is something I have long wanted the only reason we bought it is cause it was on sale for a good price other wise I would have kept waiting. then Jeff took me to lunch at Panda Express I thought I would be ok wth just steamed vegetables my stomach was so not ready for that again had the feeling I over ate. so I was careful the rest of the day. came home and made my mother in laws soup today when I weighed I am down 14lbs still a great deal to go but again the dropping of the lbs is a perk I still have a great deal to do and accomplish. awkwardness with my daughters boyfriend sorry he feels that way but Jeff and I will not tolerate not treating our daughter with respect (even if they argue we call her on it as well if she is treating him bad) no matter what we will support our daughter what kind of parents would we be if we did not get upset at him for what he said to our daughter we are over it but hopefully he understands that we mean what we say. he will she will they will treat each other with respect. It has been weeks since I wrote the main part of this post and I think the kids ( my daughter and her boyfriend) have gained more respect for us. these are life's lessons we are teaching them so that if and when they do end up getting married at least they have a strong type of mentors to follow. I am not saying that my husband and I are perfect certainly we not but we have lived and been married for 28 years so we should know a little of what we talk about.
I so enjoy the sound of the rain as when I listen to it, it reminds me just how it trickles down washing all the negative stuff and cleansing the heart and soul. I love to jump in the puddles and feel the rain drops fall on me. bringing out the inner child in me, I love the sound of the rain for the since of the nurturing it gives to all living things we need water to grow, to be refreshed , I love the sound of the rain for the comfort and warmness it creates in the home I love the sound of the rain for the cuddling my husband and I share ( ok we don't only cuddle when it rains we cuddle all the time)
I simply love the sound of the rain
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Jan 31-2/1
The last day of January went for a ride with Jeff to do some errands good to get out of the house it is strange weather here I seem to be same as far as eating I am aware that I have been eating more than I should so I am scaling down back to Jello and popscile for a few days. 2/1/11 new month feeling a little stressed out had my first episode of "dumping" this morning I realized that if I over eat I get the hiccups so now I am understanding that there are other signs of over eating and not just vomiting. so I plan to be more cautious about my relearning to eat foods. Jeff has been really supportive we are becoming closer he told me he is glad that I had this surgery and that we are together see we have been having many stresses of many issues but he made me feel better he is in support of my decision to be a "life Coach" he is also supportive of the journey I am on and supportive of another thing I decided I would like to try becoming a pampered chef consultant I am going to give it a try as I have a passion for cooking and i love their products and again even if I try and find out it's not my cup of tea at least i can say I tried and have some wonderful kitchen gadgets at a discount basically that is what I sometimes due I join things like this for the consultant discount!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Ah ha Moment
" The true value of a human being can be found in the degree to which he has attained liberation from the self" Albert Einstein
I had what Oprah Winfrey calls "Ah ha moment" today I say I made a self discovery today something I feel I would be good at, something I feel my path of self discovery is leading me to I feel the need to become a "Life Coach" I am doing the research now as to what steps I will need to take to achieve this and I think that I have found the right place to begin taking my steps on this path it sounds wonderful it is a bit expensive but I think it will be well worth it for me and even if I never put it into use in a professional manner ( I am planning to use it in that capacity) but if not then I believe I can learn and grow from it personally, I ended my evening tonight having a wonderful phone conversation with my son he gave me such encouragement and said I should pursue this path. .
I had what Oprah Winfrey calls "Ah ha moment" today I say I made a self discovery today something I feel I would be good at, something I feel my path of self discovery is leading me to I feel the need to become a "Life Coach" I am doing the research now as to what steps I will need to take to achieve this and I think that I have found the right place to begin taking my steps on this path it sounds wonderful it is a bit expensive but I think it will be well worth it for me and even if I never put it into use in a professional manner ( I am planning to use it in that capacity) but if not then I believe I can learn and grow from it personally, I ended my evening tonight having a wonderful phone conversation with my son he gave me such encouragement and said I should pursue this path. .
Friday, February 18, 2011
The woes of $
" Although gold dust is precious when it gets in your eyes it obstructs your vision" His-tang
while I have been home due to my surgery I found out a state disability claim that I filed was " invalid" reason being the school I work for does not pay into it what they do is pay into it as a supplement through a private insurance which as an employee you can get and pay for ( needless to say when I started I did not need nor want to pay for that extra insurance) I refused to use any of my vacation or sick time because I may need it for other things anyway even though I am not being paid for this time off I learned a lesson that I should have really checked into that prior to my surgery except that my surgery happened so fast. I should not have assumed that I would get state disability for my time off. again as I said Lesson learned I have been learning a lot of lessons of late.
My husband has been on disability from his job for almost a year it is a work related injury and yet the day of my surgery he received a letter stating he was terminated. ( I did not know you can be let go while you are on disability) so my husband as filed a grivance with the union for his work and also got the state EEOC and filed a wrongful termination suit. my husband did find out that since is workman's comp case is still on going he will have to exhaust all the disability money before he can file unemployment. my husbands case is on going and he also got permission to file suit from the state we live in.
I have to admit I am concerned my husband is a retired veteran so we are good for medical he does get his retirement and the income from my job is money but not enough so we have been going over things and I am frightened that we may have to file bankruptcy ( I know it 's common in this economy and it's a bad mark on your credit for 10 years) after thinking about it in some ways I think it may be a blessing for us if we did I mean ever since my husband got injured our credit has gotten bad though we work on getting it fixed up but it is always something. so I believe if we do file bankruptcy it would be a blessing to start over I only read a little bit about it so I keep praying that things will get better financially and me getting back to work on Monday will help me to feel like I am helping in a small way. I am also thinking it is time for me to go back to school while I may be able to get a grant or some financial aid while our income is not what it used to be and hopefully my college kids can also get better financial aid. as for my progress I have been walking and my food consumption has been good.
while I have been home due to my surgery I found out a state disability claim that I filed was " invalid" reason being the school I work for does not pay into it what they do is pay into it as a supplement through a private insurance which as an employee you can get and pay for ( needless to say when I started I did not need nor want to pay for that extra insurance) I refused to use any of my vacation or sick time because I may need it for other things anyway even though I am not being paid for this time off I learned a lesson that I should have really checked into that prior to my surgery except that my surgery happened so fast. I should not have assumed that I would get state disability for my time off. again as I said Lesson learned I have been learning a lot of lessons of late.
My husband has been on disability from his job for almost a year it is a work related injury and yet the day of my surgery he received a letter stating he was terminated. ( I did not know you can be let go while you are on disability) so my husband as filed a grivance with the union for his work and also got the state EEOC and filed a wrongful termination suit. my husband did find out that since is workman's comp case is still on going he will have to exhaust all the disability money before he can file unemployment. my husbands case is on going and he also got permission to file suit from the state we live in.
I have to admit I am concerned my husband is a retired veteran so we are good for medical he does get his retirement and the income from my job is money but not enough so we have been going over things and I am frightened that we may have to file bankruptcy ( I know it 's common in this economy and it's a bad mark on your credit for 10 years) after thinking about it in some ways I think it may be a blessing for us if we did I mean ever since my husband got injured our credit has gotten bad though we work on getting it fixed up but it is always something. so I believe if we do file bankruptcy it would be a blessing to start over I only read a little bit about it so I keep praying that things will get better financially and me getting back to work on Monday will help me to feel like I am helping in a small way. I am also thinking it is time for me to go back to school while I may be able to get a grant or some financial aid while our income is not what it used to be and hopefully my college kids can also get better financial aid. as for my progress I have been walking and my food consumption has been good.
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