"life isn't measured by the
number of breaths we take
but by the moments that take
our breath away"

The First Step

" All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them"
Walt Disney

I have always admired Walt Disney's work (Disneyland, Disney Movies, Books, Etc)
and found him to be a fascinating Man.

my friend Shanna's husband is the biggest Walt Disney fan I know.
Walt's words are Chris's philosophy in life and he has built a thriving
business of course he had a great deal of help from Shanna!

I love the above quote because I am about to embark on making one of my dreams
come true. At the age of 44. I am returning to college and earning my degree.

I have taken this path before but somehow sidetrack myself I have never finished.
This time I am bound to finish with out any sidetracks.

I am full of emotion, excited and scared at the same time, through my journey of
self discovery.I feel that this is the first step I must take and hopefully
it's the right time.

I begin this step Monday and only taking one class Pre Algebra, math has never
been my strong suit.
my two teenagers at home have graciously volunteered to
be my tutors and help me through ( hope they know what they have gotten themselves
into!!)

Am I CRAZY!! I wonder? for me this going back to school is to say that I accomplished that
in my life time.

"If You can dream it, You can do it"
Walt Disney


well I hope Mr. Disney is right.

alice through the looking glass

Last night I had a dream about
" Alice through the looking glass"

I am not sure why this dream occurred
it is one of my favorite classic stories
and this is the part I cherish the most.

A boat beneath a sunny sky
lingering on ward dreamily
in an evening of July

Children three that nestle near
eager eye and willing ear
pleased a simple tale to hear

long has pulled that sunny sky
ecohs fade and memories die

Autum frosts have slain July
still she haunts me phantom wise
Alice moving under skies
never moving by waking eyes
children yet, the tale to hear
eager eye and willing ear

Lovingly shall nestle here
in a wonderland they lie
dreaming as the days go by
dreaming as the summers die
ever drifting down the stream
lingering in the golden gleam
LIFE what is it but a dream
Lewis Carroll

I Wish

I wish you enough sun to keep your
attitude bright no matter how gray
the day may appear

I wish you enough rain to
appreciate the sun even more

I wish you enough happiness to
keep your spirit everlasting

I wish you enough pain so that
even the smallest joys in life
may appear bigger

I wish you enough gain to
satisfy your wanting

I wish you enough loss to appreciate
all that you posses

I wish you enough hello's to get
you through the final good-bye


Last Saturday, my family and I attended one of
my cousins son's high school graduation picnic
it was really great to see my remaining aunts, uncles
and cousins who you tend to only see at weddings or
funerals, I love hearing them reminisce about
the family members that have passed and stories
about their youth, and it caused me to realize
how many final good-byes they have had to
say to siblings and family members they have
lost through the years.

but for as many good-byes as they have said
they have had many hello's with the new that
are born to the family that is what is great
because they tell the new about the old.

I then thought how lucky I am to
have had the pleasure of knowing
these people of being apart of their family
and I also thought how great I feel about
my own Nephews, Nieces, and I hope that
someday their children will go to a family
gathering and listen to their Aunts, Uncles,
Cousins, reminisce about those we had to say
the final good-bye to and have many Hello's

Josephine & Roberto

In my first blog I wrote how my mother was my inspiration
I thought I would express a little about my parents and perhaps
about my siblings in future blogs.

My mother Josephine A.k.A. Mama,Mommy, Nana, Tia Josie, Josie, Fina
for a girl who did not finish elementary school she was one of the wisest woman
I have ever known.

she raised her siblings at a young age when her mother passed, when her father
remarried, she fell in love and married a man ( an acquaintance of my grandfathers who
was 1 year older than my grandfather) Times were very different in those days.
they of course started a family of their own.

My mother Josephine was a devout Catholic but always told me that when I
became an adult it did not matter what faith I accepted as an adult as long
as I believed in God. but through our youth we attended catholic mass,and
all that went with that.
she was a good cook, loved to collect recipes but seldom made them
funny I collect recipes too.
she was the friendliest person and always well respected , accepted people for who they
were, never a judgemental bone in her body.

She had beautiful dark brown eyes, dark hair, she looked like a Beautiful Native
American maiden. she had a wit about her, a calmness, but could give you a
look that meant business if she was angry at you.

she believed in the old wives tales, I remember one time my oldest niece Angela
was pregnant with her first child, and another of my nieces was eating a Marsh mellow
Angela, looked at my niece eating the marsh mellow my mother noticed this
and I was told to get a marsh mellow because The Baby wants a marsh mellow!
so I did as told and got the marsh mellow ( I have always wondered does Rob like
marsh mellows?)
she also believed in the old remedies like putting hot onion on a splinter to draw it out,
placing an egg yolk in a bowl under the baby crib,and my personal favorite when ever
a baby is around you must touch their little hand to keep evil spirits away!
but most importantly Karma Comes Back At You.
She would tell stories of her youth and her encounters with "spirits"
of course we did not believe this but my Uncles would always back her up.
she crocheted beautifully,and had a green thumb,
At the time of her death in 1986, my husband and I were living in Hawaii
we spoke to her on the phone all the time my husband was very fond of my mother

One morning I was awaken from a peaceful sleep by a rush of wind whisking through
my body I knew no window was open, but that rush of wind left me calm and gave me
a chill at the same time, I looked at the clock and noticed it was 4:45 am Hawaiian time
which meant it was 7:45 Ca time. I startled my husband and as he awoke the phone
rang, I told him it was someone calling to say mom passed, my husband looked at me
and said I was crazy and answered the phone. after that call he asked me how did I know
and I told him about the cold wind rushing through me. that same feeling happened a year
later when one of my mother's sisters passed. never again did I doubt some of my mom's
wives tales.

My Father Roberto- A.K.A. Daddy,Papa, Berto, I did not know my father as well as my mother other than when I was born he was in his 60's. I remember his piercing baby blue
eyes that would make any girls heart melt, and that he had a smile that could brighten a room
his love for his family and grandchildren, I remember the grand kids getting plenty of leg
horsey rides from papa
He loved to bring home Big pieces of bubble gum from his trip to the barber shop
he would always have to have mama's flour tortillas at every meal.
went to church when he wanted to,other wise he prayed his own way,
he did not believe in banks, upon his death we found wallets of cash to pay for
funeral etc.
I remember watching westerns with him and my brother Joe on Saturdays
he too had a green thumb, (when younger he worked in coal mines)
loved to bring home A&W Root beer in the plastic gallon,
but what I remember most about my father was the way he always looked at my mother
he was much older than she but looking at him look at her you could see in his eyes how much he loved her.
my father passed away in 1979 at the age of 82

The Hiding Place

Do you have a hiding place? A place inside
yourself that keeps all your secrets,desires,
that you are unable to reveal?

As far back in my youth as I can remember
I have always visited this place deep inside
my soul.

See it started at a young age and is still in
my present, I tend to visit this hiding fortress
inside me whenever my life seems to be losing
it's balance.

this place can have two sides it can be my
emotional safe haven with a guiding light
( I also have a physical place but that is another blog)
that comforts me with strength .

and the other side, where it is a dark haven
and I am weak and full of insecurities.
(sometimes more than not I visit this place)

Being the youngest and having elderly parents
I have always felt "misplaced" in my family
I know that I was and loved by all but I never
knew where I fit in except for being the "baby"
what was my place in the family and yet there are
times that even today I still wonder?

I may never know the answer all my siblings are quite older
than me the youngest to me we are 10 years apart
they used to joke where I would always hear
"we found you in the sewer patch" and I would think
to myself is there really such a place? or "mama, loves me
more" though I know they were teasing those remarks hurt
and have left a bit of an emotional scar ( I will say this
that I am a late in life child and I'm glad that I was
born to my parents) carrying all that hurt
from those remarks and throughout my life
I learned to develop a tough skin and visited my
hiding place where I would not allow my self to feel
the hurt.

I developed bad self destructive habits but have since
been healed in that department thanks to a great deal
of self discovery.

The safe haven part of my hiding place
gives me strength in so many ways
it helps me to heal and to stay strong
and realize that each day starts a new.

I am stronger than I gave myself credit for
I do not need to be destructive to myself
I do not need to hide from hurtful feelings
I am not perfect and this journey of self
discovery is pretty facsinating
where ever this journey leads me
I will gladly take each day to
discover the me that won't retreat to
her hiding place.

When Food Is Love

I once read this book entitled "WHEN FOOD IS LOVE"
written by Geneen Roth, in fact I pretty much own
all the books she has written.

I have always found myself in some kind of lost
world when it comes to food, after all you need
it to provide the nourishment it needs to keep
your internal engine running.

I can not recall when food was never on my mind
I have been through such a bad"love affair"
with food, I have always been a 'heavy gal","fat
"pleasantly plump"
by medical terms now labeled "obese"

I came from a childhood of eat everything on
your plate,"there are starving kids in China"
and I learned to eat fast so I could have
seconds.(won't deny my mother's cooking was
really good) or when I was upset I would get
cookies or something sweet for comfort to help
make my upset feelings go away."emotional eater"

I accepted it though, when I was in junior high school
I was put on weight watchers, and I would take
for lunch what I was supposed to while other
kids were eating what ever they wanted to
(weight watchers has really changed since then) it continued
and in my adult hood it was nutri -system ( the old one)
and diet pills, shakes, and even tried the famous
Oprah diet that was nothing
but liquid ( that one only lasted a few days!)

through my teen years and in to my mid 20's
I have been a closet binge & purge person
never labeled "Bulimic" but now labeled "Food Addict"
"compulsive Eater" ,"B.E.D." better known as "Binge eating disorder"

I had gastric bypass surgery almost 4 years ago but
not for the weight loss it was for other related health
issues, I lost approx 80 lbs, and it did serve it's purpose
for the medical issue but it felt like failure on the weight
issue. since then I have been an avid "yo-yo" person for
the last three years, and now when something food wise
does not agree with me, I automatically purge (guess you could
say from the gastric bypass surgery I know have a built in
purge machine in me)

at first the binge and purge issue was for weight loss
but I did not lose a lot of weight( OK, honesty check)
when my husband and I were stationed in Hawaii
I went from a size 16-to a size 5-6 in less than a year
then we came to visit and I was told how "good"
I looked and that I also looked "sick" I did not
care I loved getting the "good" compliment better
but after that visit something inside me began to
break, it was not wanting to be thin that I purged
I began to realize that I had been purging to feel
comfort , to self medicate, when I felt my life was
not in balance, sometimes I got to the point where
I would binge eat till I blacked out and then purge
to cleanse the pain and guilt feelings, I became quite
good at it and learned to hide it well.

I have kept this habit up for most of my life
there are times even now that I get the urge
but through a lot of hard work I have and still
am overcoming and accepting me whoever that maybe
my bad "love affair" with food isn't taking over my life
I am not a size 6 and will never be, just being
healthy spiritually and physically is more important
and if it takes me my life time to do it then so be it.

I still have weight to lose but at my age I don't
harbor on that I just try to make healthy choices
on a daily basis with out depriving myself
and never fall back into that crazy affair because
food is what we need to nourish the beautiful
internal engine inside and to make it glow on
the outside but I do not need it to nourish my
soul no matter what the size.

note: I have never expressed this private
part of my life to anyone, not family or friends
for fear of being judged and I hope that
since I am writing my expressions that
there will not being any judgements.