I carry you in my heart

I carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
I am never without it
anywhere I go, you go my dear
and whatever is done by only me
is your doing, my darling I fear
no fate
for you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world, for beautiful
you are my world true
and it's you
whatever a moon has always meant and
whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky
of a tree called life which
grows higher than the soul can hope
or the mend can hide
and this is the wonder
that's keeping the star's apart
I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.
E.E. Cummings

when I was two years old I became an aunt of a sweet
little girl named Angela then a few years later her little
sister Jessica was born, I never really knew what being an aunt
meant after all these girls were close to me in age, and when we grew a little older
we would play together at each other's homes and use our imagination to the fullest
loved baking in what was the kenmore version of easy bake oven
( I still have that) or play outside by jump roping, hopscotch, etc
one memory I recall was we would love when my mother made her
flour tortillas, we would sneak them off the plate as soon as she put
one on it. ( no one made flour tortillas like my mother)

then we got older and my brother got divorced, which hurt because
I felt like my brother was taking my friends away, we did see each other
from time to time but we each began to go our own directions,

then one day my brother peter showed up at my house and I made him lunch and he saw a E.E.Cummings book I was reading and he showed me this poem saying you will like it and for
me to always keep the girls in my heart. I thought what a strange thing to tell or ask of me
they were my nieces of course I would keep them in my heart I loved them. he did not ever have to ask me that

years passed and I tried keeping in touch as best as I could with out being
intrusive in their lives, to this day I have always tried or managed to talk to one of them

a few years ago I lost my brother and it was hard to accept
I know death is apart of life but my brother to me was
my knight in shining armor, He was a family man, as furious as my brother could
get a person with his no hold bar spoken word , that was a quality in him that I most
admired. on a visit I had with him prior to his passing my son fractured his shoulder
so my visit was cut short, the second to last visit I had with my brother at his house
i took him a mexican candy he liked and we talked he asked how his nephew was because he said shoulder fractures hurt like hell and he knew what he spoke of, I replied that kiel was doing ok. he replied to me good cause I carry your kids in my heart.

I always carry all my nieces and nephews in my heart but this poem will always be the poem for my brother and his girls.

I talk to them when I can and I hope now it will be more often
just so you know even when we are unable to talk you girls
are always carried in my HEART.

If

If I live in a house of spotless beauty with everything in it's place
but have not love, then I am a housekeeper, not a homemaker
if I have time for waxing, polishing,and decorative achievements but
have not love, my children learn of cleanliness not godliness,
love leaves the dust in search of a child's laugh.

love smiles at the tiny finger prints on a newly cleaned window
love wipes away the tears before it wipes up the spilled milk
love picks up the child before it picks up the toys

love is present through the trails
love reprimands,reproves, and is responsive
love crawls with the baby,walks with the toddler
runs with the child, then stands aside to let the youth
walk into adulthood.

Love is the key that opens salvations message to a
child's heart
before I became a mother, I took glory in my house of perfection
now I glory in God's perfection of my child
as a mother there is much I must teach my child but
the greatest of all is LOVE

I love this poem , I have always been kind of a perfectionist of sorts (seems to run in my family)
I had tried to have a child many times and found out that I had infertility issues so I went through procedure after procedure to correct this and start a family with the love of my life
got pregnant but miscarriage after miscarriage and then a tublar pregnancy losing my right ovary and tube I found my self wondering if I was ever to have children, family members in their supportive way would tell me that it was not the end of the world if I could not have children. it does not define who you are and I would think to myself easy for them to say they have their children and my parents would not be around to see mine. so I continued with the process to concieve a child. I felt like a failure it was not the fault of my husband I am the one who had the physical problem I took the hormone shots, took the hormone pills knowing the risks that I later in life would be a supreme candidate for all the side effects of the drugs ( i did not care) I am now suffering from some of those side effects then I finally decided enough, if I was meant to have children I will adopt someday, so I decided that my body and spirit needed the rest. upon my return from a well deserved vacation I found out I was pregnant after a careful pregnancy I brought my son into this world he was certainly the gift that I was praying for, and then told that he would be my only child ( i could accept that at least I was a mother) but the Lord blessed me again two years later with my daughter, after that birth it was physically better for my health that I have no more children.
I found the above poem and have kind of used it for the basis of raising my children, ( oh I still am a neat freak but I can let it go just to be with the kids, well they are not really kids they are young adults getting ready to fly on their own( which they kind of already do with all their activities)
the house is still the same, I wipe away the tears before I wipe up spilled milk, I smile at the fingerprints on a cleaned window
and on a daily basis I thank the Lord for his greatest gift
Love

expressions

The definition of the word Expression states:
the act of expressing something thought or felt.
to Express oneself: to communicate one's meanings or feelings

Being new to blogging, I became inspired to enter this new world by reading other blogs and as I read overwhelming feelings and emotions came over me and I was hooked. I am not sure what my place in the land of bloggers will be but I hope that my expressions will be of some encouragement to my fellow bloggers and in the act make some new friends.

I guess it's time I express a little about me, I reside with my family in central valley of northern ca, been married for 24 years, have two great teenagers a son who is entering his senior year of high school and a daughter who is entering her sophomore year. I am very proud of my children as they have grown into loving, caring, mature people.

I come from a large family ( certain to have blogs) I am of course the youngest, my parents are both resting in peace along with two of my older brothers, I have one remaining brother
and five sisters. then of course plenty of nieces, nephews, even some great neieces, nephews, etc.

for those of you who know me any expressions that you read on my blog are just that my expressions it is not meant to hurt anyone and if it does well I apologize a head of time.

I look forward to this blogging world it seems to have entered my life at a time that seems appropriate for me and I am excited to enter it.

The garden of daily living

For the Garden Of Daily Living

Plant three rows of peas
1.peace of mind
2.peace of heart
3.peace of soul

plant four rows of squash
1.squash gossip
2.squash indifference
3.squash grumbling
4.squash selfishness

plant four rows of lettuce
1.lettuce be faithful
2.lettuce be kind
3.lettuce be patient
4.lettuce really love one another

no garden without turnips
1.turnip for meetings
2.turnip for services
3.turnip to help one another

to conclude our garden we must have thyme
1. thyme for each other
2.thyme for family
3.thyme for friends

water freely with patience and cultivate with love
there is so much fruit in your garden
because you reap what you sow.

courage

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure to embrace the new
but there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful, there is more security in the
adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life and in change there is power"

Andrew Cohen

Do You Live In Tomorrow

Do You Live in tomorrow when you must face today?
at times I forget to live in the moment but what do I miss?
the setting of the sun, sound of birds singing and most importantly
I miss meeting myself,I am constantly changing and if I don't spend
time with myself in the here and now I will never get to appreciate
Who I Truly Am, because I am to busy focusing on who I want to be

Gary Barnes

moment

Funny how in a moment your life experiences many changes, when I was 16 years old I lost my father he passed away from a heart attack at the good old age of 82, granted he was up in his age and so it would be natural for this to occur but at 16 you don't really understand that. from that moment my life would change. I was not close to my father because of his age I imagine, but looking back at photos and the memories I can recall I appreciate what time I did have with him. in the moment of his death I found myself on a searching path, searching for what I did not know, I managed to keep my feelings inside and just muddle through life, then years later I found myself in that moment again when I was married( another blog!) and I had to travel back to Ca from Hawaii ( my husband was in military at time) for the death of my Mother and of course that brought up those old wounded moment memories of my Father's passing, difference is a Mother is the core of the whole family unit and to lose that shakes you. I have to say since my parents have been gone my family as different as we are have managed to still be a family, though we go on with our lives we manage to be there for each other when the moment arises.
through the years I had to experience those old moments again when I lost my two older brothers. I accept death is apart of life, and now I can say sometimes I still search for whatever
I am looking for I guess I will know when I have arrived and that to me will be one of many great moments.

the first inspiration

Websters dictionary defines Inspiration as such
(a) Divine Influence seen as the working Holy Spirit in the human soul.
(b) The creative impulse of an artist, often seen as a super natural prompting
(c) A person who or things that inspires
(d) an inspired idea

and it also defines the word Inspire as such
(a) to move by divine influence
(b) to fill with creative power
(c) to stimulate, to inspire confidence

When I look back at my childhood I feel that the person who taught me about inspiration would have to be my mother, she has been deceased for 21 years and some how thoughts of her and what she taught me (many things lot's of blogs to come) still inspire me. where does inspiration come from all sorts of places for most of my life as stated earlier it came from my mom and now it comes from my immediate family husband, kids, and with in the whole family realm sisters, brothers, nephews, nieces etc. I feel very lucky to have been inspired by my mother for it was watching her inspiration of raising a family, un-selfishly as mothers do that some how gave me the courage to be inspired to raise my teenagers! and I still search for inspiration in my children and daily life and feel my mom's inspiration guide me.