"The wholeness and freedom we seek is our true nature, who we really are. Whenever we start a spiritual practice, read a spiritual book, or contemplate what it means to live well, we have begun the inevitable process of opening to this truth, the truth of life itself"

                                                                                                                           Jack Kornfield

what a person can accomplish

 Today I did my first 5k ever! it's only 3.1 miles. I am just happy that I finished it! it gave me such a joy although as I am writing this I have to admit I feel tired! i'm still training to possible run/walk a 1/2 marathon in March. I have been trying to do things out of my comfort zone and things I had listed on my "bucket list" so far I have been doing ok one step at a time!

It has been quite a while since I have posted on my blog been busy with a lot of things but I hope to get back to the one place where I can truly express my expressions!

stay tuned!

Peace it does not men to be in a place where there is no noise,trouble or hard work it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart ( unkown)

"The only zen you find on tops of mountains is the zen you bring there"

                                                                    Robert M. Pirsig

Here

"I have arrived , I am home, in the here in the now  I am solid, I am free in the ultimate I dwell "    Tich Nhat Hanh

when is enough really enough

line from the song enough - enough is enough. that is what I keep telling someone I care very deeply about , I may not be the worlds greatest advice giver but I think that when I do listen and give my opinion ( not advice) it comes from deep within my heart and experience I call it my opinion because that is what it is in the last eight months while on my own spiritual path I have come to realize that it is better to say I share my opinion because that way it gives whomever you are expressing  your opinion to that you are not advising them your merely enlightening them how you see it but what they ultitmately do is on them.

This person I love keeps kind of going round and round in a relationship its hard at times for me to sit on the side lines but it is what I need to do. This young couple goes through to many verbal confrontations so much so that you can see the pain in the eyes of the one I care about, I think she is scared to just let the relationship dissolve after all they are not married they are way to young and not no- where near being ready for that. one depends way to much on the other, one is stronger than she gives herself credit for

A terrible incident happend last week that has given me pause to really hope this person takes the time they should and decide if they want to continue down this path. For the one I love and care about I certainly hope not but again it's my opinion. I can't get into specifics about the incident but to me it was callously intentionally cruel and then the person I care about was threatened and blamed by people and yet the one I care about is continuing to be supportive all in the name of love!. I admire this person for loving and showing support the way that they do, however one person can not take the weight on their shoulders all the time. everyone must be held accountable for their actions. I understand that this is the relationship they are in but I also understand that if you truly love someone sometimes as painful and as hard as it is you have to love the other person enough and let them go. I wish the other person involved would see and understand that and let the person I care about fly. but then again who am I to judge this person that I care about says their in love and believes that with time and therapy and a change of venue it could all work out, perhaps it could happen but then again there is always the chance that it won't.

I have a great concern about this but all I can do is pray and be there when the one I care about needs me to be.it's been a hard situation and a hard week, I hope for peace for these people in this relationship I hope that God will guide them through all of this and if this person leaves then they leave freely knowing that they did the best they could and that you can't solve everyone's problems especially when you have some of your own to deal with. I pray that soon they will realize that enough is enough.

The Cloud

The Cloud is is free only to go with the wind the rain is free only in falling ( Wendell Berry)

Quote of the Dalai Lama

" When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways-- either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits or by using the challenge to find our inner strength"

Waking Up

" waking up this morning I smile, twenty-four brand new hours are before me, I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion"   ( Thich Nhat Hanh)

Real Enemies

" The real enemies of our life are the "ought's" and the "if's" They pull us backward into the unalterable past and forward into the unpredictable future"

                                                                                                                                    Henri J.M. Nouwen

A Bette, Buddy, Bella

Below are some other members of our family the bird is Bette she is a rare Australian Rose breasted cockatoo and since females are called Bette's in Australia we thought it a prefect name for her she is a very smart bird, she greets us every morning with a "hi there" she talks up a storm with those she feels comfortable around she gives kisses as well when she feels like it. Bette is a year old and these brids can live up to 65 years. sometimes she scares me and my daughter but all in all she is sweet,

 The little guy in the middle is Buddy(I know he has the face that reminds us of a gremlin maybe we should have named him Gizmo! Buddy is a very active dog he loves being the center of attention he is very affectionate and is a light sleeper he is a good protector and he loves cuddling by anyone of us. Buddy is just a little over a year old my husband took care of his strayed parents while buddy's mother was pregnant and then when Buddy and his brother were born my husband was able to find homes for the parents and his sibling Jeff and the kids fell in love over buddy so he ended up with us. the lady below is Bella she came to us about 3 months after buddy did she was abandoned a friend of my husbands found her in his barn and could not keep her she Bella fell in love with my husband so he brought her home.. she is his little shadow when he takes a nap or is ready for bed she is right there by his side! she is a very affectionate dog as well! she is also our little piggy in the house if she hears anyone in the kitchen she is there hoping your going to share something with her!

we do have another addition in our family she is Kodie she is my daughter's dog I don't have a photo of her yet but will do another post all about her!

Live in the present

"Live in the present and launch yourself on every wave find eternity in each moment"

Few

" Few of us ever live in the present we are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone" Louis L'Amour

The above quote has been resonating me with the past few days, it is no secret that for the past three years my life has been on an emotional stressful roller coaster ride that I hope is in the start of coming to end. this past January I came to the realization that the stress of the situations of the past few years have made me lose sight of me! I can not control what life throws at me but I am learning that I have the control to handle MY actions/reactions of it and I am learning not to let the stress get to me because stress leads to all sorts of mental and physical aliments that I have no intention of letting myself fall victim to stress. I am learning to take a deep breath and take it one step at a time. I am learning that baby steps will lead to bigger steps and before I know it, it becomes a routine and I am so glad that I am finding my routine which is a daily meditation and yoga/ pilates and walking or jogging. . I cannot anticipate what is to come in the future because like the old Heinz ketchup commercial anticipation is keeping me waiting!  but I know with this new insight I know I can and will be able to tolerate the ride  ( i am not a fan of roller coasters to begin with !) , at least this way it seems to make the roller coaster ride  doesn't seem to make me so nauseated !

peace

" Peace does not dwell in outward things but within the soul, we may preserve it in the midst of the bitterest pain if our will remains firm and submissive Peace in this life springs from acquiescence, not in an exemption from suffering " (Francis Fenelon)

Random Quotes

here are a few random quotes that have been resonating with me thought I would share

"Heaven and heart remain peacefully unmoved,yet their life breath is unceasing and is seldom known to rest"- Hung Ying Ming

" Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky,conscious breathing is my anchor"-Thich Nhat Hanh

" Peace does not dwell in outward things but within the soul we may preserve it in the midst of the bitterest pain if our will remains firm and submissive. Peace in this life springs from acquiescence not in an exemption from suffering"- Francis Fenelon

"It is for us to make the effort the result is always in God's hands" Gandhi

"The mature person pays attention to what is happening in the innermost self" - Tzi Ssu

"We cannot put off living until we are ready. the most salient characteristic of life is it's urgency here and now without any possible postponement life is fired at us point-blank" -  Jose Ortega y Gasset

Enlightment

"Enlightenment is understanding that there is nowhere to go, nothing to do, and nobody you have to be except exactly who you're being right now"  (Neale Donald Walsch)

soaking up the sun

Ok so it has been a while since I really sat in my back yard and this weekend I am going to just
be lazy read a good book, look through all types of magazines, have my hubby do the cooking all weekend( ok BBQ) I will take care of the kitchen stuff and we are just going to soak up the sun ( of course I will have lathered up in the sunblock) but it just seems a great way to start my time off. and since funds are a bit limited to take a travel vacation just going to make a worth while vacation at home!


have a good weekend 

We Too

"We too should make ourselves empty that the great soul of the universe may fill us with its breath" Lawrence Binyon

Choose

"We choose our joys and our sorrows long before we experience them" Kahlil Gibran

The Secret

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, nor to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly " Buddha

To Know

great quote by Confucius:

" To know what you know and to know what you don't know that is real wisdom"

I have made the decision to return to college at my age of 48 I begin just one class in a few weeks, I have to admit I am a bit scared, nervous so fillled with many emotions I know this is something I feel I need and want I just hope I can keep up with it, It is a whole new world for me, I wonder if what I know from life experiences will help get through this. I have college age kids and well part of me has begun to wonder but I have my college kids blessings and support to do this along with my husbands so I will see where this path leads me.  I have been on a self discovery path since January and I have been learing a great deal about myself also in January I had some surgery that has given me great insight and well my paths are still a slow work in progress but like the old saying one step, at a time and that is what I am doing breathing, and decision making one step at a time. I have two more weeks of work before I have a month off for summer break so many things happening I have to remember to let stuff I have no control over just go and remind myself to breathe slowly everything will fall into place and if it doesnt then it will in another way. I think the above quote by Confucius is so true what you don't know is real wisdom.

when life throws you lemons

The old saying when life throws you lemons make lemonade! that is the lesson my 21 year old son has learned in the past week bless his heart. he is entering is last year at UC Santa Cruz and had arranged to live in a co-op community for college students however to his dismay he learned the co-op is going to shut down during the summer and so he will have to find outside housing due to it being late to apply for dorms . he wants to experience living off campus and was hoping to do that this summer however since the co-op fell apart also he learned that the job he had at the campus for the summer also fell through he is good to return for the fall. so he will be spending his summer at home and working at his old job but not before we take a little vacation he so needs a break. So he will be coming home tomorrow and I am so excited ! in our phone conversation the other day he has already made note to me of some things he hopes to do with just him and myself I so love that he loves spending quality time with me ! most 21 year olds would more than likely like spending time with their friends etc. but my son and I have always been close I am close with both my children and hope it will remain that way always and to their significant others they may bring into this family. anyway we will be doing the things he has requested I only have a few more weeks left of work then I am off for summer! tomorrow I will have one of his favorite dishes for dinner in honor of his return home for the summer.

Nineteen

Yesterday My daughter( my sunshine sunflower)  celebrated her nineteenth birthday. when she was little girl she liked the birthday parties as she got into her teens not so much a party person anymore she likes quaint celebrations with just the four of us ( which normally would mean me, her dad, her brother) and now her boyfriend of course. well her brother could not be here but called and they had a long chat her boyfriend ( my son in law to be one day ) Kevin brought her a dozen white roses and a bouquet of wild flowers, we gave her money as she likes to shop and our traditional out to dinner and cake she chose Chinese food and a Oreo cookie ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins. and she got a zillion and one birthday wishes from friends and family on face book and some by text all in all she had a wonderful day. and to end her day she and I watched a few episodes of Gilmore Girls ( that was one of our favorite mom and daughter shows) so from time to time we kind of have a Gilmore Girls marathon, we also indulge in Taylor Swift music. I am so glad she had a great day reason being she is planning on spreading her wings and flying at the end of Dec and transfer to a college out of state. part of me says she is not ready  but the other part of me says I understand I myself had left home and met her father at nineteen but did not get married till I was twenty. I am trying to see all the good and be supportive even though I will miss her terribly but I am hoping that where ever her dad and I land our feet she will live near by same with our son. ( I know it may be a lot to wish for but I am going to keep wishing it) time sure does pass by in a blink of an eye. so I am plan on having mother and daughter days as much as we can before she moves and I told her that I will be celebrating next years birthday with her in her new state because as long as I can help it we will continue tradition and have birthday dinners and cake together.

weekend in review

My work week ends at 4 pm on Thursdays and begins my weekends I love only working four days a week this weekend was a wonderful one beginning with Thursday after work I attended my eldest great nieces graduation celebration it was held on Thursday evening at a wine bar she frequents from time to time with her friends. it was very interesting and the gathering was fun, it was held on Thursday evening due to the fact that she would be graduating Friday at 7:30 in the morning and she was the key speaker! which now brings us to her graduation it was wonderful she graduated with her Masters in psychology with a emphasis in neurophyschology she will be attending to Palo Alto University to pursue her PhD. I am so proud of her. her speech was marvelous and after the ceremony I got a photo with her. later that morning after the graduation I had brunch with two of my sisters it was a nice day, On Sat my husband and I took a drive out to San Juan Bapitsta and bought produce off of the local vendors who set up shop we purchased two flats of freshly picked strawberries for $10 each! it was a good deal also made out from a different vendor on two types of cherries as well, then found some wonderful produce as well at the farmers market made a wonderful fruit salad and cleaned and hulled the strawberries some I froze as we had an abundance the other I prepared to make home made jam which I did this morning after that my husband and I drove to a little town I grew up in it is about 45 min from where we live and we visited one of my sisters and her husband then we went window shopping again and went out to dinner something we really have not done in quite a while.  it was a pleasant three days so far tomorrow I think will be just relaxing around the house and getting ready to return to work on Tuesday which I begin summer hours for the month and then the 30th of June will be my final work day till the end of July I am looking forward to the break to do much needed things I want to do. one of them being taking a bit of a vacation to Seattle my children were to go with us but looks like their plans have changed due to unexpected things! I understand but none the less this may be our last family vacation for quite a while especially if our daughter transfers to a college out of state in Dec.
well I have a idea of what my next weekend will bring my daughter's birthday will be Friday big 19! so we will be celebrating that, not sure of what will happen on Sat but Sunday I will be volunteering at a farmer's pick and gather celebration and there  is sure to be a lot of fun it is all organic and there will be vendors and classes and demos etc.  I know I plan on picking the blueberries for sure!

There's a new kid in town

One of my sister's had a profound Easter week in April  as my husband Jeff and I spent two nights with her in Los Angeles then due to my husband having some business I drove back with my sister to our house as she was coming to celebrate Easter with the family. I drove with her because it  has been quite sometime that she has driven from LA to where we live only because her ex-husband used to do it and since she will be relocating to be near all her family she thought it the perfect time to try the drive and it was a fun! she drove part of the way and I drove the rest it was really good sisterly bonding time! the good news for her was right before we left she got the news that her divorce was final on Monday  it was something that she had been waiting for. she was full of emotion I mean how could she not be but at least she can put it to rest and begin her life at the age of 61! the other good news is her youngest son my nephew and his wife who reside in Japan had their second child a daughter on Friday so they are blessed with a boy and a girl. My sister has been in  Japan in for a week now  to meet her grand-daughter ( then new kid in town ok not in town but the newest addition to our big loving family )

we all can't wait to meet her we have seen pictures thanks to the modern technology but hopefully in December the rest of the family will get to meet her in person! we are just blessed that our family in Japan is doing well and was not impacted at all by the earthquake that happened there. the third good piece of news for my sister that week was her eldest son and his family came down to spend time with her.. I think it was awesome of my nephews they really love their mom and take good care of her since they all have been going through the raw emotions of the divorce. but one thing about my sister stands out she is a survivor and as our mom used to tell us pray for those who act out or those who cause pain because Karma comes around you may never see it happen but it does.

Love is patient

One of my favorite verses is from 1 Corinthians which is Love is Patient for Jeff and I it has always hit home with us, we have been together for 28 years and we have been through many facets in our marriage together even when things seemed so bleak and that we were close to losing each other we each remembered what the words in that verse mean to each of us not only as husband and wife but as soul-mates and best friends. it has been no secret that the last couple of years we have had some health issues between us his a little more worry some than mine but with patients and love we have and are getting through it so here it is

Love is patient, Love is kind it does not envy , it does not boast it is not proud it is not rude it is not self seeking it is not easily angered it keep no record of wrongs love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protect, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, Love never fails and now these three things remain faith hope an love but the greatest of these is Love.

I believe that these words always ring true. 

Remember When

Remember when I was young so were you
time stood still love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
made love and then you cried
Remember when
Remember when we vowed the vows walked the walk Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
lived and learned, life threw curves.There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died new were born life was changed, disassembled, rearranged We came together, fell apart broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet was the music We danced to week to week Brought back the love, we found trust Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old Now lookin' back, it's just a steppin' stone To where we are, where we've been Said we'd do it all again
Remember when

Remember when we said when we turned gray When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

Remember when
Remember when

While I'm Waiting

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord


I came across this song quite a few years ago and today I find it relating to me in my life. I have always believed in the Lord and though I have in the past kind of fell through the cracks so to speak ( meaning I always kept my faith I just lost the want of the social aspect of attending church every Sunday ) but I never lost my faith I just kind of have kept it on the down low of my self. especially in the last four years since my family has gone through some heavy tribulations but nothing stopped me from my faith in the Lord that things will get better. actually it is what sustained me to get through what we have been through. in today's life it is not easy things happen and people do want to blame someone else especially GOD and though these things sometimes don't give us the reason why we are going through them they can also be a blessing in disguise I have been on a soulful and healthful reconnection journey of myself since January and everyday I am finding out things I thought were gone and new things I am embracing and one thing that I have truly accepted is that you have to talk to yourself and GOD honestly and openly and being patient at the same time that things will get better while I am waiting.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

 
I normally do not post about my family life because I am a private person but I as of late feel the need to express my thoughts as sort of a cathartic healing for myself  I have been living with my soul mate who was diagnosed two and a half years ago with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat. PTSD can cause many symptoms. These symptoms can be grouped into three categories:1. Re-experiencing symptoms: Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating ,Bad dreams,Frightening thoughts.Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing.
 2. Avoidance symptoms:Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience Feeling emotionally numb Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. (For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car)
 3. Hyperarousal symptoms:Being easily startled Feeling tense or “on edge”Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.Hyperarousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic event. They can make the person feel stressed and angry. These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.
It’s natural to have some of these symptoms after a dangerous event. Sometimes people have very serious symptoms that go away after a few weeks. This is called acute stress disorder, or ASD. When the symptoms last more than a few weeks and become an ongoing problem this is PTSD and some people with PTSD do not show symptoms for weeks, months or years.

This is what has happened to my husband while he was injured by a co worker at the time he worked for a well known large company four years ago! my husband went through the proper protocol with in the company and no one from the supervisor up did anything to help him needless to say this developed into a workman's comp issue which is still pending and he has added a wrongful termination of my husband this past Januray while he is still on disability. he worked for this company for 12 years!  this whole thing has had us tied up in knots emotionally and has also taken a physical and a big financial toll on us. Things with the case against this company are looking up but the process of it is very slow and  has been hard. My husband is a smart man and he even has the CA Federal EEOC filing case against company as well on his behalf.

Getting back to the toll it has taken it is a difficult one this PTSD has changed my husband at times he seems not to be the man I fell in love with and really till this case is settled I feel helpless all I can do is be supportive as best as I can. I have seen what this has done to him first hand by outbursts of anger, etc and how it effects us and how it effects me.I feel so scared for him, I feel scared for us and I also feel anger anger that this all happened to him and us in the first place for no reason!. because of this disorder our finances have taken a big hit and we are now contemplating bankruptcy ( we always had our bills paid on time and never thought we would have to do this ) but with this disorder and being in a depression he let our finances get out of control and I did not see this happening till it was to late I now am taking hold of the situation but maybe for me watching the man I love live in fear made me afraid to face facts at the time too. Face the fact that I was watching him lose who he is and who he has always been to me and our kids. that I could really lose him in the mental and physical sense.. I was and am not ready for . I am not afraid of the bankruptcy those were just material things and material things can always be gotten again. and with this economy we would not be the first or the last people are filing everyday . I look at it as a blessing in disguise so that we can start from scratch something I am not afraid to do.

Three things to teach

Another one of many favorite quotes by Lao-Tzu

" I have just three things to teach

Simplicity, Patience, Compassion  

these things are your greatest treasures"

Most belive

"Most people believe the mind to be a mirror more or less accurately reflecting the world outside them not realizing on the contrary that the mind is itself the principal element of creation"

Broad Minded

" Be broad-minded whole, without relying on others"

There and Here

"When we are not bored with here and longing to be there, When the life of things is breathed in and breathed out with every breath we take. when we live with the past of our world and into the unborn future without desiring to undo what is done, or avoid what must be, then we live in a timeless life now, a place-less life here" (R.H..Blyth)

Bloom

"People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong.Why not try and see the positive things to just touch those things and make them bloom!" (Thich Nhat Hanh)

With Faith

I believe I have posted this little poem before but thought it was deserving of posting it again

With Faith
For every disappointment that ever comes your way
there also will be happiness upon another day

Sometimes there will be failure in things you try to do
but with both faith and fortitude success will come to you

When life appears it's darkest and clouds obscure your view
you know that you are bound to find the sun come shining through

The faith that you possess in God is never placed in vain
it will sustain and be your guide life's finer things to gain.


wishing all my blogger family and friends a peaceful and loving (Resurrection day a.k.a.- Easter) <3

The Worst

"The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think,we do this because we're afraid we fear we will not find love and when we find it we fear we'll lose it we fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy"

It is my belief that we create our own path to happiness we find it in many different ways, for me I find it in the simplest things and for me those lead to the big things. I do agree that the worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves because it somehow strikes a cord in the human spirit that your not deserving of love or anything good that you work for or that comes your way. but we are all deserving of LOVE and all the pleasures that comes with it emotionally and physically and metaphorically that is what makes us human and that is what makes us love. 

With

" with gentleness overcome anger, with generosity overcome meanness, with truth overcome delusion"

Just a little quote that I have found and thought I would post as it hit the spot within me over the weekend.

Chinese Proverb

" If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow" Chinese Proverb

contemplating

From the beginning of the new year I have made no secret that I am on a self exploration journey which includes my mind, body, spirit, well being. as I have stated I ended up having some surgery that I have been journaling my expressions about and will continue to do so. I am finding out interesting things about myself and different things I would like to do creatively and new ventures I would like to also check into. Exploration of one self can be truly eye opening and can also make you question things in your life, I am not dwelling on the past for the past is completely that, the past you can not change it all you can do is learn from it and move on with your life, I have learned to take life one day at a time and embrace it embrace all that you feel and think and want to do. that is the joy I have been finding out while I travel on my journey. I admit it has been a little on the side line these past month since I went back to work. but I am going to make sure I write down my thoughts as I am feeling them so that when I gather them together I can express them here. So what I am now contemplating is to make the decision to go back to college but I can't decide if I want to do it traditionally like going back to a classroom or if doing it all on line ( especially cause in the state of Ca where I live they are always cutting education these poor college students I know cause my college kids are effected by it! ). I am in the research stages right now this is something that I want to do for me just to be able to say to MYSELF that I am a college graduate and with any luck and God's grace I will be done with this by the time I am in my mid 50's.!I There are also some other ventures I plan on doing for myself and as I take each step one at a time to get there it makes this journey I am on so much richer.

Life

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like  (Lao-tzu)

a hole in my heart

Right now the Eagles song" there's a hole in the world tonight" is racing through my head only i hear the words there's a hole in my heart and that is truly how i am feeling right at this moment a great deal of un-necessary emotion got the best of my household tonight and has made me feel like I have a huge hole in my heart it aches and I can't stop crying. I am not going to go into details but needless to say that being a parent is a very hard job no matter what age your child is and tonight proves that. I am concerned and worried about someone I love and I feel helpless to help them this person means the world to me I know this person has a big heart and lot's of love to give but the actions and words of tonight just make me pray harder and wonder what is to come. I hope this person knows how much they are loved unconditionally by this family and that no one is against them we just give our advice and hope that it helps them in some way. all lessons in life do not have to be learned the hard way. 

There is another song I am hearing in my head it is Love is not a fight and the lyrics go
Love is not a place to come and go as we please
it's a house we enter in and commit to never leave
so lock the door behind you, throw away the key
we'll work it out together let it bring us to our knees

love is a shelter in a raging storm
love is peace in a middle of a war
and if we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
no love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

to some love is a word that they can fall into
but when they're falling out keeping that word is hard to do

love is a shelter in a raging storm
love is peace in a middle of a war
and if we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
no love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

love will come to safe us
if we'll only call
he will ask nothing from us
but demand we give our all

love is a shelter in a raging storm
love is peace in the middle of a war
and if we try to leave may God send angles to guard the doo
no love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I will fight for you
would you fight for me
it's worth fighting for

so full of emotions that I am also hearing Fleetwood Mac Landslide that is how I am also feeling I hope as this night fades so will some of what I am feeling but I sincerely doubt it I will pray for patience and God love to get my family through this.

In an Instant

Is it not interesting what can happen to change your life completely in an instant. Last week my family had a scare with the earthquake in Japan I have a nephew and his family who live there and as soon as we heard about it on the news many family members were on FB( facebook) asking if they were affected by it with the grace of our Lord he and his family live far from where it all took place but they have friends and other relatives who did live in that area, then the Tsunami and the strength it had hitting the Ca coast I was a bit worried about our son who attends college in Santa Cruz but he assured me he would be safe on campus and thankfully so, the damage it caused in Santa Cruz total 5 million so far.

In a split second life changes my nephew just got word that one of his good high school chums just passed from ALS  my nephew in the last two years has lost quite  a few friends from high school and college and though it is hard to know these young men passed at such a young age my nephew has handled it with strength and dignity. and I am so proud of him, My niece had the loss of her father in law this week who had a stroke take his life at the young age of 67 she to is handling this loss with grace and strength for herself and for her husband and his family. and I am proud of her as well.

Life is so fragile one must really just enjoy it to the fullest I know I am blessed with my immediate family all together and look forward to them yes I want encourage them to fly but I am glad that they like to be near by as well. 

sometimes Gods greatest gifts in this life are unanswered prayers and I am truely blessed by what he brings in my life on a daily basis

The Visit

On Jan 29th marked three weeks since surgery and I started to reintroduce food to myself mind you only a third cup per serving. that seems so small until you measure your food ! my husband Jeff and I decided I needed to get out of the house and go visit our son Kiel who attends UC Santa Cruz since he had been sick they thought he had an pnuemonia he ended up having a severe cold. anyway we had hoped to spend the day with our son however when we got there we only ended up spending about 15 min with him as he found out that morning he had a residential  aide interviews to conduct so we planned a rain check date. So Jeff and I drove down to Campbell and I had my first lunch out since I am reintroducing foods we ate at subway and I had scoop of tuna in a bowl cause I can not have breads or bread products yet. they charged me the same price as if I had bought a sandwhich  I do not want to over eat so I am being very careful but I fear that I might have and did but I did not get any kind of dumping syndrome so I don't know. we windowed shopped around and later had soup at Fresh Choice it was a challenge for me but I did ok I still believe that I over ate I have to be so careful about overeating. when i got home a bit of an incident occurred but it will work itself out.

The sound of the rain

"Meditation is not an escape from life but a preparation for really being in life" Tinch Nhat Hanh

Jan 30th I awoke to the sound of rain it sometimes is a beautiful sound when it stopped I took a brisk walk to buy a newspaper and get a bit of exercising in by doing the walk cause right now that is extent of the exercising I can do. later Jeff and I went into town and purchased a convention counter oven i got the food network brand this item is something I have long wanted the only reason we bought it is cause it was on sale for a good price other wise I would have kept waiting. then Jeff took me to lunch at Panda Express I thought I would be ok wth just steamed vegetables my stomach was so not ready for that again had the feeling I over ate. so I was careful the rest of the day. came home and made my mother in laws soup today when I weighed I am down 14lbs still a great deal to go but again the dropping of the lbs is a perk I still have a great deal to do and accomplish. awkwardness with my daughters boyfriend sorry he feels that way but Jeff and I will not tolerate not treating our daughter with respect (even if they argue we call her on it as well if she is treating him bad) no matter what we will support our daughter what kind of parents would we be if we did not get upset at him for what he said to our daughter we are over it but hopefully he understands that we mean what we say. he will she will they will treat each other with respect. It has been weeks since I wrote the main part of this post and I think the kids ( my daughter and her boyfriend) have gained more respect for us. these are life's lessons we are teaching them so that if and when they do end up getting married at least they have a strong type of mentors to follow. I am not saying that my husband and I are perfect certainly we not but we have lived and been married for 28 years so we should know a little of what we talk about.

I so enjoy the sound of the rain as when I listen to it, it reminds me just how it trickles down washing all the negative stuff and cleansing the heart and soul. I love to jump in the puddles and feel the rain drops fall on me. bringing out the inner child in me, I love the sound of the rain for the since of the nurturing it gives to all living things we need water to grow, to be refreshed , I love the sound of the rain for the comfort and warmness it creates in the home I love the sound of the rain for the cuddling my husband and I share ( ok we don't only cuddle when it rains we cuddle all the time)

I simply love the sound of the rain

Jan 31-2/1

The last day of January went for a ride with Jeff  to do some errands good to get out of the house it is strange weather here I seem to be same as far as eating I am aware that I have been eating more than I should so I am scaling down back to Jello and popscile for a few days. 2/1/11 new month  feeling a little stressed out had my first episode of "dumping" this morning I realized that if I over eat I get the hiccups so now I am understanding that there are other signs of over eating and not just vomiting. so I plan to be more cautious about my relearning to eat foods. Jeff has been really supportive we are becoming closer he told me he is glad that I had this surgery and that we are together see we have been having many stresses of many issues but he made me feel better he is in support of my decision to be a "life Coach" he is also supportive of the journey I am on and supportive of another thing I decided I would like to try becoming a pampered chef consultant I am going to give it a try as I have a passion for cooking and i love their products and again even if I try and find out it's not my cup of tea at least i can say I tried and have some wonderful kitchen gadgets at a discount basically that is what I sometimes due I join things like this for the consultant discount!

Ah ha Moment

" The true value of a human being can be found in the degree to which he has attained liberation from the self" Albert Einstein
I had what Oprah Winfrey calls "Ah ha moment" today I say I made a self discovery today something I feel I would be good at, something I feel my path of self discovery is leading me to I feel the need to become a "Life Coach" I am doing the research now as to what steps I will need to take to achieve this and I think that I have found the right place to begin taking my steps on this path it sounds wonderful it is a bit expensive but I think it will be well worth it for me and even if I never put it into use in a professional manner ( I am planning to use it in that capacity) but if not then I believe I can learn and grow from it personally, I ended my evening tonight having a wonderful phone conversation with my son he gave me such encouragement and said I should pursue this path. .

The woes of $

" Although gold dust is precious when it gets in your eyes it obstructs your vision" His-tang

while I have been home due to my surgery I found out a state disability claim that I filed was " invalid" reason being the school I work for does not pay into it what they do is pay into it as a supplement through a private insurance which as an employee you can get and pay for ( needless to say when I started I did not need nor want to pay for that extra insurance) I refused to use any of my vacation or sick time because I may need it for other things anyway even though I am not being paid for this time off  I learned a lesson that I should have really checked into that prior to my surgery except that my surgery happened so fast. I should not have assumed that I would get state disability for my time off. again as I said Lesson learned I have been learning a lot of lessons  of late.

My husband has been on disability from his job for almost a year it is a work related injury and yet the day of my surgery he received a letter stating he was terminated. ( I did not know you can be let go while you are on disability) so my husband as filed a grivance with the union for his work and also got the state EEOC and filed a wrongful termination suit. my husband did find out that since is workman's comp case is still on going he will have to exhaust all the disability money before he can file unemployment. my husbands case is on going and he also got permission to file suit from the state we live in.

I have to admit I am concerned my husband is a retired veteran so we are good for medical he does get his retirement and the income from my job is money but not enough so we have been going over things and I am frightened that we may have to file bankruptcy ( I know it 's common in this economy and it's a bad mark on your credit for 10 years) after thinking about it in some ways I think it may be a blessing for us if we did I mean ever since my husband got injured our credit has gotten bad though we work on getting it fixed up but it is always something. so I believe if we do file bankruptcy it would be a blessing to start over I only read a little bit about it so I keep praying that things will get better financially and me getting back to work on Monday will help me to feel like I am helping in a small way. I am also thinking it is time for me to go back to school while I may be able to get a grant or some financial aid while our income is not what it used to be and hopefully my college kids can also get better financial aid. as for my progress I have been walking and my food consumption has been good.

Internally Externally

On Jan 25th 2011 I had my first post op appointment I have lost 10lbs today since I had surgery which I am told is normal for a revision patient such as myself I also had the drain tube removed that was a bit painful but boy I feel so much better now that it is out and I can actually move and sleep in my bed now. as I am recovering and healing I am beginning to realize that physical journey of my self health and also the emotional and mental path are leading to one path of my self discovery what I am beginning to realize and understand my "ah ha" moment is that my journey is all internal before it can be external.

Internal- the dictionary states the meaning of internal -(a) relating to or occurring or located in the interior of the body (b) relating or belonging to or existing within the mind,

So while I am healing physically internally and re-learning to nourish my body inside me I am also nourishing my mind and the role it all plays with me and food the dictionary describes external is (a) outwardly visible (b) of relating to or connected with the outside or an outer part (c) having only the outward appearance I believe the internal  is connected most definitely to the external.

Differences

"My mind remain wide,so my place is naturally remote" Tao Yuan Ming

The above quote is resonating with how I feel since having my surgery, I am keeping my mind wide open about a great many things while my body and mind go through the healing process. here are a few of my thoughts that have been running through my mind.

On Jan 15th,2011 some might say my life as far as my weight today was a rebirth for me perhaps it was today I had revision gastric bypass surgery, I say revision because I had  this surgery seven years ago in 2003 at that time i had lost about 60 lbs( which is a great deal of weight but I never got to the goal the Dr. had set for me and in his eyes he made me feel as though I failed) over the seven years I developed medical issues I had always felt that something was not quite right but I was not told till a few months ago when I was going through the steps to see if I was a candidate for the revision. finding out I was indeed a candidate and my surgery came very fast so here we are. My surgeon Dr. Kelvin Higa is well known and considered number one in the country for this type of surgery.

My experience of seven years ago allowed me to (by pass) some steps this time around steps that people seeking this kind of surgery for the first time must take. My surgeon said that when they open me up they may have to shorten my lower intestine to cause malabsorption ( this was due to the fact that in my original surgery they did not go lower enough) however Dr did not have to shorten my lower intestine after all he did advise me that if I end up with these same issues then shortening my lower intestine would be a possibility in the future. what he ended up doing was repairing a very bad hiatal hernia and just revising my original gastric bypass by making my stomach smaller or creating a pouch as they call it.

so much has changed from seven years ago, for instance a few hours after I was out of recovery they had me walking around hospital floor, I was on a liquid diet which consisted of Jello juice and broth for 1 week only seven years ago I was eating that for a month before attempting soft foods, soft foods now comes into play a week after the liquid diet soft foods entail mashed potatoes, tomato soup, re fried beans, etc I am on soft foods for two weeks week three you begin to reintroduce foods to you mind you only a 1/3 cup  if you tolerate that well then you add chicken and meat on week 4 however no bread or bread like things or sweets for a month, I know that this is a tool and so far I am doing pretty well since surgery I have lost 17 lbs funny thing I am almost at the point were I could never pass when I had it the first time. I know this time will be a success, while I have been recuperating I have been drawn to watch cooking shows my family asks me if it bothers me I say no I am actually learning things for healthier cooking ideas. as I stated earlier I know this is a very expensive surgical tool well let's call it a gift I was blessed to receive by being a candidate and having this procedure done I am hoping the outcome is a success the procedure had to be do with the other issues and if those are in check my surgeon and I agree then it will be a success even if I don't lose any weight. my Dr seems to think I will lose 75 lbs  in this year hard work and patience and exercise will tell,

I have been on my path of self discovery and self healing hopefully I can keep my paths intertwined and not fall back into emotional and comfort food triggers. I believe I can no I know I can. I just got to keep my mind open.

Back on line

It has been a little while since my last post the reason being is that my computer went down in our house and well now we are finally back online. I have been catching up and that is taking time.

I have been healing up well I am down 16 lbs as of Friday of course I have been on a soft food eating plan and am now reintroducing food to myself with healthier choices I might add. Since I have been home I have immersed myself into the cooking channel and food network channel learning techniques etc.and reading books to help me on my journey. all and all it has been good. I will post about my recovery after I go through my notes. but all and all I am doing ok.

Surgery

This past Saturday January 15th I had a revision of a gastric bypass that I originally had seven years ago, I not only had that I also had some other issues going on. When I originally had this surgery seven years ago it was becoming popular due to Carny Wilson I did not have the surgery for the weight loss( I lost some weight but not a great deal)  I had it done for other medical reasons which did help. now I find myself in a repeat mode here I am have had the surgery for medical reasons and if I am lucky the weight loss would be a perk but I am more about the medical reasons and I am hoping that having done this again will help me heal as my journey of self health and discovery began in the new year. Do not misunderstand me I am very grateful that the insurance company approved this revision it astonishes me the technology and such that they do now for this compared to seven years ago.  So far I am doing well I actually was able to come home late Sunday afternoon which seven years ago I had to stay in hospital like four days! when I stopped to think about it I think about how having this done will affect my life not only by eating, or the physical changes that will or may occur but also the emotional changes that will be apart of this as well. Change is a good thing and I will embrace it one day at time. I am thankful and blessed that I was given this chance or opportunity once again so I am praying and embracing this revision as a revision for a healthy lifestyle to be truly incorporated in my journey and life path that I am on.

Pre-Op

Today I was prodded and poked for upcoming revision surgery I am having on Sat. I give great kudos to those nurses, medical assistants, x-ray technician and lab technicians that draw blood ever so gently! I have to say I am feeling so much emotions from excited to very nervous! this decision was not an easy one but if it helps me obtain and live a healthier lifestyle then it is what needs to be done! Tonight was my last full meal till surgery tomorrow and for a week or two after I am on a liquid diet. I thought I would have something wonderful for dinner my last solid meal for a while was get this a hot dog and potato chips! what possessed me to have this I do not know. anyway we will see how this will all play out.

thought of the day by Albert Einstein


" The true value of a human being can be found in the degree to which he has attained liberation from the self"

The final decision

A while back I posted that I had a decision regarding surgery to make. I went through the motions and got the approval from the insurance company after praying and soul searching I have made the final decision  that I will go ahead with the gastric bypass revision surgery

What I did not anticipate was that the surgery be scheduled so fast I will be having the surgery this coming Saturday. if you read my blog then you know that in this new year I am on a self discovery path and I guess that having this surgery is part of my journey.

I have always found it kind of wonderous how things just happen to come together or fall in place at the right time I am going to say the good Lord and Angels above and on earth are looking out for me this happening the way it is, is truly a blessing.

I also have to admit I am a bit frightened that I am going through with this surgery afraid of how my life will be changing because of this surgery to many questions and thoughts running through my mind. questions like making sure everything is in order that I have letters written to my husband and children expressing how much I love them. don't misunderstand me I believe it will all work out for the best but there is always the possibility and if it is my time then I am not afraid of death. questions like will this work this time? how will my body be changing, and then like what will my life be like having to buy new clothes, will I like what I see when I look in the mirror? the questions just keep going on and on .

Today I am finding what my journey so far as set fourth and I guess it is a winding path of self health and self discovery and the paths are starting to intertwine.

today 's quote in my head
" Calm is the morn without a sound. calm as to suit a calmer grief, and only through the faded leaf the chestnut pattering to the ground" Alfred Loyd Tennyson


Peace and Hugs

more quotes and thoughts

" In dwelling live close to the ground, in thinking keep to the simple. In conflict be fair and generous, In governing don't try to control. In work do WHAT YOU ENJOY in family life BE COMPLETELY PRESENT"

                                                                                                                                  Tao Te Ching

Self Discovery page 1

For 9 days now I am on a journey of self discovery and to that it means that there are times that I need to conquer some of my fears and step out of my comfort zone so here it is my first step as small as it is

A self photo of me with no make up I took a zillion of these as it seemed and this one seemed the nicest to post. though I am only an amature at photography as I go along with my journey I hope that I become better at it especially taking photos of myself.

I call this a raw photo of me yes it was taken in my bathroom where my art is of bathing beauties and you can see a bit of one of the photos ( after all the human body is a wonderful work of art ). as I began my journey for the past nine days I have been taking some stock of myself and that is where this photo kind of comes in. Last November I turned 48 years of age( by some young peoples standards I am considered getting old) however I don't look at it as older I look at it as I am gracefully getting wiser each year I celebrate the day I came into this world and took my first breath!. When I see myself there are times I see an aging woman, and as human as I am there are times when I do not want to see my self but since I started this journey I see my story that has been and is being written by my laugh/frown lines, by my eyes, and the lines around them, the dimples I was born with , scars from my youth, my double chin etc. I embrace it because as mentioned this is who I am, I have never been into the hype of plastic surgery don't get me wrong I am not putting those kind of procedures down for the many woman and men who can afford it and do it to make themselves feel better then I say good for them. but it is not for me. for me I am embracing from the Raw to the fullest of what makes me, and what better person to author their own story right? 

funny when I was taking photos of myself I kept hearing the Michael Jackson song play over and over in my head " Man in the Mirror" especially the line " I'm starting with the man in the mirror" then the line " and no message could have been any clearer if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make a change" 

well perhaps my journey of self discovery will not make the world a better place but I am hoping for some healthy interior self change.

5 more quotes

so in 2011 I am going to be expressing quotes that I like or find interesting these quotes come from all over as I keep my mind open to all things.

here are the next five I am sharing.

" We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us. restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for few persons nearest to us" Albert Einstein

" Our life is shaped by our mind, we become what we think Joy follows a pure thought like a shadow that never leaves" Buddha

" Zen does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes" Alan Watts

" The sublime vision comes to the pure and simple soul in a clean and chaste body" Ralph Waldo Emerson.

" At the center of your being you have the answer, you know who you are and you know what you want" Lao-tzu

Something to think about

This morning I awoke and found this in my email in box after reading it, it gave me food for thought so to speak it really as ignited a little inspiration of fuel in me as I am taking baby steps on my self discovery path any way just thought I would share this with you.

This quote is by Zen Teacher Cheryl Huber.

" Our lives are the result of what we Practice " I should be different", or " I'm afraid " or " I don't know what to do" that is the life experience we will have, what we get in life the life we have is the result of what we do, If i want to be joyful or peaceful or satisfied I must do joyful, peaceful or satisfied I cannot want one thing and practice another thing and get the result I want, what I practice is what I have it is imperative that what I practice is what I Want".


what is it that you want and practice?

On My Path of Self Discovery

In this new year I am embarking on a path of self discovery, I know that I am a soul-mate, wife, best friend, etc to my husband of 27 years and I continue to embrace what we have built and continue to build. he is my true north always has been and will continue to be even when we are put to the test.

I am a mother to my grown college age kids and would not trade that position for anything in the world my love for my kids and my husband our little family sustains me more than anything they are my guiding light in so many ways.

I am a sister to my sisters and brother and an auntie/Tia to my nieces and nephews. a friend to those who consider me a friend( which is a rare few) but I am a loyal friend. All these things that I know that make up me are fact, yet there are times when I feel like there is a puzzle piece of me missing nothing will change what I am as far as my family is concerned they are my first priority always but in this new year I feel the utmost need or calling if you will to rediscover me.

My first step is to take stock of my life thus far my 20's, 30's and present my 40's I am going to journal about each decade and write my feelings about it what I learned in those years and what I still long to learn, and perhaps along the way journal about it on a blog. what I know for sure is that this path I am embarking on I am guided by the good Lord above and I believe this self discovery is something the Lord is leading me to do and. I am in need of finding a self worth of balance and self healing and growing in my physical and mental and professional life( those are my buzzwords this year self and healing) and to let go of some of the non important baggage that I have been carrying with me. So with some journaling of my thoughts and some meditation I hope to be on the right path of my self discovery no matter how long it takes, or where it leads ( I am hoping to attend some workshops etc.) and even if I discover that there is no puzzle piece of me missing then I know I have had the greatest adventure in following my path of self discovery.

I love quotes and this quote in particular is one of my all time favorite spectacular quotes that hits home with me every time and will remain on my blog.

this quote is by Dolly Parton and reads

"FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE AND DO IT ON PURPOSE'

what path are you on this new year?

quotes to start the new year

I have used some of these quotes before in a blog or two but I think they are worth repeating for the first three days of the new year.

(A) "Nature does not hurry yet everything is accomplished" Lao -tzu

( B)" Now today moment by moment realize that each person and event that happens is life for you. Life is not somewhere else. See how fully you can accept the life that presents itself to you now" Brenda Shoshanna.

(C) " I do not cut my life up into days but my days into lives each day each hour an entire life" Juan Ramon Jimenez.